


we lay under the same stars

by dansaeg_hwa



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, Body Worship, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Incomplete, M/M, Multiple Orgasms, One Night Stands, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, seriously so much fluff you'll die
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-08-17 07:57:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 37,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8136322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dansaeg_hwa/pseuds/dansaeg_hwa
Summary: Sehun doesn't like to get attached, but maybe everyone needs a change once in a while.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI I'M BACK  
> this was supposed to be an iwaoi fic back when I was into haikyuu, but I leave it for half a year and look what happened  
> dedicated for my best friend, the Sehun to my Jongin, I will from now on dedicate all my fics to you for dealing with my bullshit 24/7 thank you I love you enjoy some sekai smut and feels  
> beta'd so there should be no typos

Contrary to his friends' beliefs, Oh Sehun does not particularly enjoy parties. He does like being surrounded by people, and meeting new people - it always feels nice, the start of a new relationship, a bond forming between two people that is always unique and special - but there is just too much going on at the moment. The drink he's holding is so sweet he can practically feel his tongue trying to crawl out of his mouth, the music playing is way too loud and not at all the kind he likes listening to, and there's people around him he doesn't know and doesn't want to know dancing rather badly to equally bad previously mentioned music. Shoulders constantly bump into his, making his arm unsteady and slosh his drink around. He feels lightheaded and unsteady on his feet, even after only two or three drinks. He wonders how much alcohol this really has as he tries to read the label on the glass bottle. He stands on his toes and looks around the crowd of people if he can spot someone familiar. Finding no such luck, he briefly considers locking himself up in the bathroom and surviving the night there.

It's Jongdae's twentieth birthday party. Officially he turned twenty almost a week ago, but they had no time for celebrating due to exams. And Sehun talked Jongdae into helping him with his art project. Jongdae decided to throw a party on Friday night, the most reasonable day for a party, and happened to invite a shitload of people he knew that Sehun didn't. Sehun remembers Jongdae telling him that he'll make sure everyone 'gets shitfaced tonight', but the drink he still hasn't finished because it's just too disgusting isn't doing much. He almost wants to chug down one of the bottles of real alcohol he's sure Jongdae has somewhere and pass out in the bathtub.

Shouldering his way through the mass of strangers whose faces he can't even see in the darkness and flashing lights, Sehun makes his way out of the house. Once he opens the door and the welcoming freshness of the cold night air hits him, he almost wants to cry with relief. Deciding to sit down on the grass in the garden, he unwraps his scarf from his neck and spreads it out, throwing it over his shoulders and snuggling into it. He takes a packet of cigarettes out of the back pocket of his jeans - a bad habit from the age of seventeen, talked over many times with his parents, but it gives him comfort, he always tells them - and shakes one out, lighting it with a Zippo lighter and taking a first drag, always the most satisfying. He closes his eyes as he breathes in the smoke deeply and then opens them again to watch it dissolve into the air, a stark contrast of white against the pitch black night sky. No stars, he notices sadly. 

He crosses his ankles and props his elbows on his knees, the fabric of his sweater brushing against the bare skin exposed by the holes in his jeans. He picks at a loose thread at the edge of one of the holes on his knee, twisting it between his thumb and index finger absent-mindedly. The ground beneath him is slightly damp and cold, making a chill run up his spine. He shivers and wraps the scarf around himself tighter. It's still better to be cold here than to be hot and sweaty inside, he thinks. He takes another drag from his cigarette and closes his eyes, angling his face up towards the night sky, and the crescent moon hidden behind a thin layer of misty clouds. The music coming from the house irritates him, so he slips his earphones into his ears and scrolls through his music library, settling on 10cm's newest album and turning the volume up.

He stays like that for some time - doesn't know if it's five minutes or half an hour - when he feels someone else's presence outside. He takes an earphone out in time to hear two voices, both male, in the middle of an argument. He recognizes one of them as Jongdae's - he sounds drunk, words slurring together and voice a bit raspy. The other voice is stable and strong, not at all wavering, words clear and demanding. It drifts around Sehun, making him feel slightly light-headed. He can't hear anything else nor can he concentrate on anything else but that voice.

' … can't do that, man. I'm not gonna toler- tolerate that.', Jongdae is saying, stumbling over the sentence, voice high-pitched and whiny. Sehun imagines him furrowing his brows and leaning against a wall to support his weight.

'And you wouldn't get upset over it? He was talking shit about you and some other people.', the other voice is half-shouting, underlined with anger.

'You still had no right to beat him up. No, that's not it, you had no right to interfere. It was between me and him.'

'Look.', the other voice says, with a deep sigh. 'I know it wasn't my business, but don't blame me for standing up for you.'

'I could've handled it on my own.'

The voice scoffs. 'I'm not going to apologize to him, Jongdae. I did what I think was right.'

Jongdae heaves a breath. 'Alright. I'm not blaming you. I'm angry, but I don't know who I'm angry at more. Stay outside and cool down for a bit, okay?'

Sehun hears retreating footsteps, only one pair, indicating that the other person stayed. He steels himself and then turns around, catching a glimpse of the figure standing in the light of the porch lamp and matching a face to the name. He sees hair dyed the colour of strawberries, bangs styled up into a soft quiff but messy. He sees dark, dark eyes and thick eyebrows furrowed together in a glare. He snaps out of his trance when he sees blood under a straight, flat nose, and a split bottom lip. There's a red stain on the shirt the man is wearing. Sehun knows him. Kim Jongin, an acquaintance of Jongdae's, possibly a friend, who studies physiology and is majoring in dance. He doesn't know him officially, just saw him a couple of times in the corridor or on campus, and on Jongdae's pictures.

Unfortunately, Kim Jongin is also what one might describe as attractive, or, in Sehun's mind, really fucking hot. And Kim Jongin is also standing approximately five metres away from him, tilting his head back and holding a fist to his nose. 

Sehun pauses his music and cranes his head around more, swallowing his nervousness before calling out.

'Hey! Do you need any help?'

Jongin turns his head, the scowl on his face softening. He doesn't smile at Sehun, but tugs one corner of his lips up briefly, and Sehun feels like he's melting.

'I'm good, but thanks.'

Sehun frowns, and reaches into his back pocket to pull out a pack of tissues, tossing them at Jongin. He doesn't mean to aim for his head, but thankfully Jongin catches it in time, muttering a 'thanks'. He presses a tissue against his nostrils. Sehun's frown deepens, and he stands up, dusting grass and dirt off his ass and thighs before walking over to Jongin.

'That's not how you do it.' He takes the tissue out of Jongin's hands. His fingers reach up, but he stops himself. 'Can I..?'

Jongin sighs. 'If you have to.'

Sehun presses his fingers against Jongin's nose bridge, telling him to tilt his head back. He cleans the blood away, and tears the tissue in two halves, twisting them and then sticking one of them into the nostril that's still bleeding.

'Seriously, didn't you ever learn how to treat a bloody nose?', Sehun asks, sitting down on the ground again, right at Jongin's feet.

'And you did?'

'Of course. I always got into fight when I was a kid.', Sehun chuckles. 'What, you never got a bloody nose before?', he adds, when he notices Jongin giving him a weird look.

'No.'

Sehun shrugs and takes another cigarette out of the pack, putting it between his lips and letting it dangle there for a while before lighting it. He spreads the scarf on the ground behind him and then lies on it, grass tickling his neck lightly. Jongin remains standing somewhat awkwardly next to him, stealing glances and him. Sehun grins lazily and blows some smoke out. It dissolves before it gets to Jongin's face. 

Jongin, as if suddenly remembering something, reaches behind him, patting his back pocket. The frown completely gone from his face, he looks down at Sehun.

'Would you mind giving one up?', he mumbles, clearly not happy about having to ask.

Sehun opens the packet as if to take a cigarette out, but then closes it and puts away. He plucks the lit cigarette from his lips and hands it to Jongin with a smirk. The other man sighs.

'Seriously.' He looks about to push Sehun's hand away, but accepts the cigarette and takes a drag. He sits down next to Sehun and crosses his legs, blowing smoke in the other direction. Sehun smiles lightly. How considerate. He tugs the scarf from underneath his body so only his upper body is lying on it, and offers it to Jongin.

'Here. Your jeans will get dirty.'

Jongin takes the fabric reluctantly and raises on his elbow to spread it underneath him. 'Thanks.', he says quietly, and places the cigarette back between his lips. Sehun watches him lazily, head resting on his arm, and reaches his hand out. Jongin wordlessly hands it to him, and after taking a drag, he passes it back. He's getting comfortable and slightly sleepy from the alcohol and nicotine. With eyes narrowed into slits, he turns his head in Jongin's direction, studying the other's face and clothes. Jongin has dark skin, Sehun notices, even though it's hard to see clearly in light of the street lamps. He watches as it stretches across Jongin's cheekbones and collarbones and then disappears into the collar of the white button up Jongin is wearing, and reappears again from behind the rolled cuffs of the dark wash jeans, running across sharp ankles. 

Tearing his eyes from Jongin's low ankle Converse shoes, Sehun refocuses on Jongin's face. Jongin's gaze is fixed on Sehun's legs, slowly mapping hipbones obscured by low-rise jeans, lean thighs, bent knees and the expanse of skin visible, before his eyes travel back up over Sehun's torso and neck before settling on his face as well. Sehun raises an eyebrow at Jongin to show him he was caught staring, but Jongin simply smirks in reply. Oh. He saw Sehun looking as well. 

Sehun crushes the cigarette butt against the damp grass and sits up, twisting his torso around to look at Jongin, resting his weight on an arm.'Want another one?'

Jongin shakes his head.'No, I'm fine. I'd owe you too much.'

Sehun laughs.'You don't owe me anything unless you smoke the whole pack. I'm not one of these people that want the five dollars I lent someone back.'

Jongin smiles. His eyes crinkle at the corners. 'Well, if you're ever missing a cigarette... you know where to get it for free.'

'Got it.' Sehun turns away and leans back on his elbows. 'Is your nose still bleeding?'

Oh, I forgot that it was bleeding in the first place.' Jongin prods the tissue stuck in his nostril with a finger, and then pulls it out. It hasn't soaked through completely, only tinted red on one end, so Sehun guesses it wasn't a serious injury. 'I think it stopped.'

'How badly were you hit? Do you have a concussion?' Sehun turns his head to face Jongin again. 

Jongin scoffs. 'Clearly I don't. I'm fine.'

Sehun raises an eyebrow at him. 'Are you sure? You look a bit woozy.'

'You do too, to be honest. No one sober uses the word 'woozy.'

Sehun moves to stand up to show Jongin just how sober he is, but his knee gives out and he topples back to the ground. He's yanked forward by his arm, and lands against Jongin, practically ending up sprawled against his lap, nearly kneeing him in the crotch.

The smirk is on Jongin's face again, and before Sehun's brain catches up with what's happening, there's a hand at his nape and warm lips meeting his. Jongin immediately coaxes Sehun's mouth open and their tongues brush against each other. Sehun's body jerks at the contact, but he doesn't pull away, kissing back, cupping Jongin's face with both hands. There's heat pooling in his stomach, a comfortable buzz in his whole body, and he knows Jongin isn't playing around when he's suddenly pulled up to his feet and pressed against the wall, Jongin's mouth moving across his jaw to nip at his ear. Sehun makes a sound at the back of throat, and pushes Jongin off when he starts kissing down his throat.

He sighs at Jongin's confused and slightly pissed off expression. 'We can't have sex outside Jongdae's house. Or inside. Or anywhere near Jongdae's house.'

Jongin's face relaxes, and he nods. His lips are shiny with saliva. Sehun can't stop staring at them.

'Should we go to your place?', Jongin asks.

Sehun shakes his head. 'I live in the dorm, my roommate is probably home.'

'My place then.'

The journey to Jongin's house passes in a daze. Sehun vaguely remembers being pulled to and inside a car, but his mind becomes blurry after Jongin's hand drops between his legs, rubbing him firmly through his jeans. Because Sehun cares so much for his and others' safety, he doesn't reciprocate and just sits limply in the passenger seat, head against the window, breathing heavily. Then he's being hauled out of the car again and there are lips on his again, his back pressed against the car. Jongin pulls away and takes Sehun by the elbow, hands slipping down to Sehun's back and guiding him up a path to the front door of a house. Sehun doesn't have much time to look around, because Jongin unlocks the door quickly and shuts it once both of them are inside.

'Take off your shoes.', Jongin whispers, and Sehun kicks his sneakers off.

'Why are we whispering?'

'In case someone else is home.' At Sehun's bewildered look, Jongin laughs. 'Don't worry, my parents are on a business trip. We're alone.'

'Good, because I'm loud in bed.'

Jongin raises an eyebrow. 'We'll see about that.' 

He leans in closer and Sehun is really tired of being pressed against walls today, but Jongin is doing it again. Sehun pushes him away and scowls.

'Let's not make out in the hallway. Do you not have a bedroom?'

Jongin smirks. 'Getting straight to the point, huh?'

Sehun sighs. 'Listen, there is nothing straight about this. I didn't come over to make small talk. Let's go.'

'Alright then.'

Jongin slides his hands down Sehun's sides to cup his ass, and then grips Sehun's thighs firmly, hauling him up. Sehun instinctively throws his arms around Jongin's neck, legs wrapping around the other's torso.

'What, are you scared I'll drop you? You're so light.', Jongin scoffs.

Sehun glares at him, but keeps his tight hold on Jongin's body, proceeding to distract him by kissing him again. Jongin blindly moves in the dark corridor, not letting go of Sehun's lips as he feels around for the doorknob of his room. He opens the door and unceremoniously throws Sehun onto his bed. The mattress bounces as Sehun's weight drops onto it, knocking air out of his lungs. Jongin closes the door with his foot and takes off his jacket, dropping it onto the floor before climbing on the bed and on top of Sehun. They stare at each other, their breathing the only sound in the room. Sehun sits up and takes his jacket off as well, before he's pushed back down by strong hands on his shoulders, his head coming to rest on soft pillows.

'How experienced are you?', Sehun says.

'First time with a guy.'

'You'll be on top then.'

Jongin hums and agreement and ducks his head to kiss Sehun again. Sehun’s mouth immediately opens and he busies himself with the buttons of Jongin’s shirt. He slides it down Jongin’s shoulders once all the buttons are undone, and the other takes it off completely without breaking the kiss. Sehun licks into Jongin’s mouth and roams his hands down broad shoulders and tense muscles, fingers eventually coming up to tangle in Jongin’s hair. Jongin nudges Sehun’s head back and begins kissing down his neck, occasionally nipping at the skin gently. The bite at Sehun’s collarbone is harsher, and Sehun groans quietly, back lifting of the bed in a graceful arch, hips brushing up against Jongin’s. He hears Jongin suck in a breath and then feels hands at his sides, fingers slipping underneath his sweater and brushing against his skin briefly before lifting the hem and pulling it up. Sehun raises himself up and Jongin yanks the sweater over his head, tossing it across the room carelessly. Sehun would’ve yelled at him, but his mind is completely blank, and the heat in his stomach keeps growing and spreading into the rest of his body. He drops a hand from Jongin’s head and slides it down a lean, smooth back, curving into the dip of Jongin's hip to the front of his trousers, unbuttoning them and sliding the zipper down. Jongin’s breath hitches when Sehun’s knuckles brush against his dick, and his head drops onto Sehun’s shoulder. 

Sehun pulls Jongin’s jeans and underwear down to his knees in one go and pushes at Jongin's chest, making him fall back against the mattress, breath escaping from his lips in a gasp. Sehun makes himself comfortable between Jongin's bent legs and starts mouthing at Jongin's hipbone, moving across to his navel and then down, tongue darting out to taste the precome forming on the head of Jongin's dick. The stifled moan that cuts through the silence makes Sehun a bit bolder and he parts his lips to take Jongin in his mouth, his own dick pressing against the mattress uncomfortably. Sehun moves his lips up the side of Jongin's arousal, coming to the top again and tonguing at the slit, and Jongin's fingers get tangled in Sehun's hair, yanking at it. It hurts, but the pain isn't unwelcome, and Sehun gasps, hips pressing into the soft bedsheets. Jongin's fingers trace the curve of his ear as Sehun hollows his cheeks, sucking at as much of Jongin's dick as he can take in and rubbing the rest with his hand. He feels Jongin's thighs tense, and his head is yanked back. He stares up at Jongin, lips red and slick with saliva, parted and breathing heavily. 

Jongin grabs Sehun by the shoulders, fingers digging into his skin, and flips them over. Sehun lands heavily on his back, and the sudden rush of cold air makes his dick fill with more blood, curving heavily against his stomach. Jongin sits back on his knees and pulls Sehun's jeans and underwear down his hips to his knees, wrapping fingers of one hand around Sehun, moving it up and down in lazy strokes. Sehun's response is a breathy moan, forced out of him when Jongin thumbs at a sensitive spot. Jongin takes his hand away after a couple more strokes and Sehun whines at the loss. He watches through half-closed eyes as Jongin reaches to open a drawer of the bedside table and takes out a bottle of lube. He tosses it on the bed and moves to close the drawer.

'No condoms?', Sehun interrupts him, voice husky, dipping into his lower register.

Jongin raises his eyebrows. 

Sehun scoffs. 'Have you been checked for diseases? I don't want to die because of a one-night stand.'

Jongin clicks his tongue, but throws a condom packet on the bed as well. Sehun kicks off his jeans and moves around to get comfortable. Jongin moves to kneel in front of him, and Sehun opens his legs, placing his feet on either side of the other's sides.

'Do you know how to prepare me?', Sehun asks.

'I know how to do it in general... is it a lot different with guys?', Jongin says, and Sehun wants to laugh at his genuine interest.

'I can do it myself if you prefer.'

'No!' Jongin stops Sehun's hand from reaching behind himself. 'I can do it, just... tell me what to do.'

Sehun nods. 'Alright. Hand me one of those pillows.' 

Jongin reaches back to grab a pillow and Sehun takes it, sliding it under his hips.

'It's more comfortable this way.', he explains at Jongin's questioning look. 'Okay, now put lube on your fingers. Warm it up a bit.'

Jongin grabs the lube bottle and uncaps it, pouring some of the thick liquid on his palm, rubbing his hands to warm it and spreading it on the fingers of his right hand generously. He wipes his other hand on the sheets and slides it down Sehun's thigh, down to his ass. Rubbing at the skin lightly, he inches closer to the tight ring of muscle, circling it with his finger lightly. Sehun shifts, wincing at the coldness of the lube. He meets Jongin's eyes, wide with curiosity, and nods. He feels a digit push inside of him and hisses, unconsciously retracting his body away. Jongin moves to pull out but Sehun grabs his wrist to stop him, giving him another nod. The finger moves further in, and Jongin' hand stills. He's looking at Sehun expectantly.

'Curl your finger upwards.', Sehun grunts, eyebrows furrowing. 'You might not get it right away, but there's a spot... it feels a bit different. Try to find it. Put one more in first.'

'Won't it hurt?', Jongin asks, his other hand moving to Sehun's knee, stroking the skin comfortingly.

'I'll get used to it. Come on.' Sehun glares at him, impatient.

Jongin raises an eyebrow but complies, middle finger joining his index finger. Sehun breathes out deeply, the exhale ending in a whine at the burning of the stretch. Jongin's digits rub against his insides gently, exploring. He twists his hand around and pushes deeper, curving his finger slightly, and presses hard. Sehun nearly bites his tongue trying to suppress the obscene moan about to leave his throat, spine twisting in an arch. 

'Is that it?', Jongin asks quietly. Sehun groans in response, biting at his wrist. He hears Jongin chuckle, and then the fingers rub at his prostate again, and Sehun's vision goes blurry from the intense pleasure. He only vaguely registers Jongin spreading his fingers to stretch him out, or the addition of the third digit. All he can feel is the hot white sparks of arousal shooting up his spine, and the throbbing of his neglected dick. There's precome dribbling heavily from the head onto his stomach, and Sehun's about to reach down to touch himself, but instead he bites at the side of his hand harder.

Jongin slowly pulls his fingers out and Sehun whines, breathing heavily as he resists the urge to touch himself. The pleasant aching is too strong to ignore, overwhelming all of Sehun’s senses. He pushes himself up on his elbows and watches Jongin through half-lidded eyes as the other stares back. Sehun spreads his legs further apart and Jongin registers the movement, eyes flicking to Sehun’s lower half before returning to his face. 

'Are you. can I-?‘ 

'Please. ‘ 

Jongin smiles but reaches for the condom packet and rips it open with his teeth. Sehun feels his dick twitch and closes his eyes briefly, opening them just in time to see Jongin rolling the condom on. He inches towards Sehun, on his knees, laying his hands on Sehun’s thighs, thumbs dipping into soft skin. Sehun’s lips twitch at Jongin’s hesitant expression and sits up. 

'Lie down.‘ He gestures to the pillows next to him. 

Jongin frowns. 'Why?‘

Sehun smiles. 'Just do it. It’ll be easier for both of us.‘

Jongin, although a bit reluctant, mimics Sehun’s position and eases back against the mattress, legs bent. Sehun climbs on top of him, knees on each side of Jongin’s hips. He leans his weight on Jongin’s legs, reaching behind him to put his hands onto Jongin’s knees, levering himself. Jongin catches up and grabs Sehun’s hips, gently guiding him forward and then down. He grabs his dick with one hand and navigates Sehun with the other. The blunt head of Jongin’s dick prods at Sehun’s opening, and Sehun bites his bottom lip, steeling himself and then taking the lead, slowly pushing down until Jongin’s dick is almost all the way inside of him. The feeling is overwhelming, the incredible heat and pressure against his insides makes him gasp loudly, the sound almost reverberating against the walls. His head lolls forward and his eyes close, fingers digging into Jongin’s thighs as he adjusts his weight. They’re both silent, lost in the pleasure, their breathing the only sound in the room. Jongin’s hand lingers on Sehun’s arm before sliding down to Sehun’s hand, covering it, fingers tangling together loosely. Their eyes meet, and Sehun exhales shakily, mouth open as he pushes himself up, all the way up until only the head of Jongin’s dick is in, threatening to slip out, before he slides back down. Jongin’s dick brushes against Sehun’s prostate and Sehun moans, head bowing forward, hair covering his eyes. Jongin’s hand leaves Sehun’s to brush the silver hair back, accidentally tugging a bit. Another moan leaves Sehun’s throat and his body moves again, on its own accord, now completely out of Sehun’s control, as if it detached from his mind and he was just watching. Thigh muscles straining, Sehun establishes a rhythm, Jongin’s dick hitting his prostate every time, making his every inhale a whine and every exhale a short moan. Jongin’s other hand leaves Sehun’s hand and roams all around his body, running down his back, his arms, shoulders, neck, stomach. 

He grips Sehun’s sides tightly and stills his movements, instead thrusting up into Sehun in short, quick movements, his breath becoming louder and irregular, matching Sehun’s. Sehun leans down and licks at one of Jongin’s nipples, marvelling at the sound that Jongin makes. The pleasure is almost too much for him to take, and one his hands nearly slip from Jongin’s leg, thighs twitching with exertion. Jongin wraps his arms around Sehun’s back and flips them over. Sehun’s head hits the pillow, hair splayed against the soft fabric, mouth opened and eyelids heavy, skin shiny with sweat and pink with arousal. Jongin, still buried inside of him, is still as he runs his fingers through Sehun’s hair, eyes soft.

'You look so beautiful.‘

Sehun doesn’t answer, just stares at Jongin, the sentence replaying in his head. He closes his eyes instead, hands automatically sliding up to Jongin’s shoulders to grip at them. He feels Jongin’s breath against his collarbone, Jongin’s hands still caressing his hair, Jongin inside of him, feels Jongin’s warm weight on top of him, Jongin’s eyes on his face even though his eyes are closed, Jongin’s scent that he didn’t notice before, a mixture of salty sweat and the cologne he’s wearing. They’re the only thing present in the world, everything else is still and dark, they are only aware of each other and nothing else. 

Jongin starts moving again, even deeper than before, and Sehun feels like he can’t breathe, like he’s about to explode. He turns his head to the side and watches as Jongin slides in and out of him slowly, but increasing the speed by the second, his thrusts becoming irregular and hurried. Sehun can’t do anything but let himself be rocked into the mattress, not even aware of the sounds he’s making, not aware of how deep his nails are digging into Jongin’s shoulder blades, not aware of his legs wrapping around Jongin’s sides. The heat in his stomach keeps growing and growing, getting more intense and impossible to ignore. Jongin’s body dips lower and brushes against Sehun’s dick, and Sehun leans his head forward to bite at Jongin’s shoulder in time to muffle a moan. Jongin groans and moves faster, at a different angle, deeper, hitting Sehun’s prostate hard with every thrust. Sehun squeezes his eyes shut and throws his head back, spine lifting off the bed in an arch, every muscle in his body straining, every nerve ready to snap. His lips fall open again with a moan, nails scratching at Jongin’s back. Jongin holds Sehun by his hips, pushing him down, thumbing at his hipbones. 

Sehun’s orgasm hits him without warning, washing over him like a wave. His eyes snap open, thigh and stomach muscles clenching hard, and then he’s coming untouched onto his stomach and chest. His vision goes blurry and then he can’t see anything but white, and there’s ringing in his ears.

He must’ve blacked out, mind and body unconscious, because when he opens his eyes again, Jongin is lying next to him, watching him with a small smile.

'Are you okay? You completely zoned out.‘

'Yeah, I’m fine… did you come?‘

Sehun tries to sit up, but his arms shake under his weight, so he just turns to lie on his side. 

'I did, don’t worry about me.‘

Jongin’s voice is calming and soft, and Sehun’s eyelids feel heavy, senses numb, body spent and tired. He hums softly, and wants to ask if he can spend the night, but he doesn’t find the strength to talk, eyes closing, enveloping his mind in darkness. He feels the cool fabric of the duvet sliding up against his overheated skin, and he feels himself slowly easing into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was okay??? it's my first published sekai fic as well as my first fic about real people, so it's hard to get the characters spot on, but I tried  
> there will be more, but idk when or how much bc I'm busy with school orz  
> if you like it, please leave a comment, I would really appreciate it  
> my [tumblr](http://dtagustd.tumblr.com/) and my [twitter](https://twitter.com/lizhythova) , come scream at me  
> until next time~


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is, the second part  
> idk what's going on, there's no plot  
> anyway, enjoy~

There's after taste of cigarettes and alcohol lingering on Sehun's tongue, making him wince the instance he regains consciousness. His back muscles cry in protest as he clumsily sits up, crisp white sheets bunching around his naked waist. He lifts the sheets up to check, finding the lower part of his body just as bare as his torso. His skin feels itchy in some areas, irritable in the others, sticky with left-over sweat. He finds dried cum on the insides of his thighs, red marks covering his hipbones, upper thighs, and chest. He's sure there's more on his shoulders, neck and back. Bringing his hand up to scratch at his hair, messy and all over the place, he instead massages his temple with his fingers, a headache throbbing from the insides of his skull. How much did he drink last night? Squeezing his eyes shut, he tries to compose his thoughts. Tries to remember. 

Opening his eyes again, Sehun takes in his surroundings. Maybe this'll help him. He definitely knows that he slept with someone, but... who? The bedroom he's in is fairly big, walls a comforting grey, a huge window on his right, white curtains shut. The floor is wooden, a kind of beige colour, with a fluffy carpet on one side of the bed. A wardrobe in one corner, a desk in the other, kept neat, a laptop and a lamp along with some paper stands and a pencil holder. A shelf above it, full of books. 'Principles of Anatomy and Physiology', says one of them. The bed itself is a double, the mattress a little too hard for Sehun's liking. This whole observation doesn't really arouse any memories or ideas, so he flips back on the bed and huddles in the sheets, drawing them up to his chin. It doesn't look like a girl's room, and he wouldn't sleep with a girl anyway. Someone who studies biology, or physiology, someone who is neat... If only Sehun would pay attention to things like that. His eyes wander around the room, looking for details. A Samsung phone on the bed side table, laying on top of a book, next to it a glass filled with water. Probably meant for him. He pushes himself up on his elbows and reaches for the glass, downing half of it in need to soothe the burning sensation in his throat. He places the glass back on the table and inspects the cover of the book. White letters reading 'Red Dragon' printed on a crimson background glare at him. Sehun doesn't know anyone who particularly enjoys horror novels, but then again, he doesn't pay attention to things like that.

He moves to sit up, but a sharp pain shooting from his lower back stops him. He whines pitifully and lies back down. He wonders how many times they went at it yesterday. Hiding his face into an elbow, he lies flat on his back, trying hard to remember something from last night. He knows he didn't drink much at the party. Did he drink after the stranger took him home? He doesn't remember seeing this room, nor does he recall the journey to this place at all. He presses the heel of his palm into his eyes and breathes in sharply.

The sound of approaching footsteps startles him, and he opens his eyes wide, absolutely paralysed. It's not like he can run away, can he? So he chooses to stare at the door as it opens, and at the person who steps in.

Oh. 

That is not who he was expecting. 

But, he supposes, at the same time, it makes sense.

He watches from behind his fingers that are still covering his face, as Kim Jongin closes the door behind him as quietly as he opened it, and turns to face the bed. Sehun nearly chokes when he notices, way too late, that Kim Jongin isn't wearing anything but a pair of snug-fitting boxers, and that Kim Jongin is sporting a few impressive hickeys on his neck and collarbones. Probably his doing. Sehun lifts his eyes up from a bruise on Jongin's arm to his face to find Jongin watching him with a soft smile.

''Good morning.'', Jongin greets, voice husky, either from the lack of use overnight, or from the extended use overnight, Sehun isn't sure. Jongin leans against the wall and keeps his gaze fixed on Sehun. 

''Um. G'morning.'', Sehun mumbles, running a hand through his messy hair. It feels disgusting and oily, and Sehun winces when he pulls his hand away. ''Where are my clothes?''

Jongin laughs quietly and points at a chair where Sehun's clothes are folded neatly. 

Sehun nods. "You didn't have to fold them."

"Don't worry about it."

Jongin walks over to Sehun and sits down on the bed. He leans so close that Sehun thinks he's going to kiss him, but instead Jongin runs his thumb under the other's eye. Sehun wearily watches Jongin's hand when he pulls it away. The pad of his thumb is smudged with black. 

"Your eyeliner is smudged." Jongin says softly.

Sehun frowns. He doesn't remember putting on eyeliner yesterday. It was probably Baekhyun's idea. He reaches up to rub at his dry eyes but stops himself. Jongin notices, smile not leaving his face as he leans back to give Sehun space.

“There's make-up remover in the bathroom if you wanna use it.”

“Thank you.', Sehun mumbles, but doesn't move. 

‘You can take a shower too, if you want. I'll be in the kitchen.’ Jongin stands up, giving a little cute wave over his shoulder as he walks to the door. Sehun snaps back from the trance he's in before Jongin disappears through the hallway.

“Wait, Jongin!”

Jongin's body comes to a complete halt and he slowly turns around, hand resting on the doorknob. His eyes are wide, eyebrows raised in confusion. 

‘You know my name? We never introduced ourselves yesterday.’

Sehun rubs at his neck awkwardly. ‘You're Jongdae's friend, right? I know about you. Plus, I overheard your name yesterday...’

Jongin's face relaxes a bit and he nods, slumping against the wall again. ‘I didn't think of that... you probably heard that argument.’

Sehun's lips twitch. ‘I did, but only the end. No idea what you were fighting over.’

‘Good. You don't need to know.’ Jongin's smile briefly transforms into a smirk as he says this, and then eases back into the soft expression. 

‘But do you know my name?’ Sehun is the one smirking now.

‘Of course I do.’

Well, that was unexpected. Sehun thought he was non-existed to the cool kids.

‘Oh Sehun.’, Jongin continues. ‘You're that kid that majors in psychology, right? You use your friends for coursework experiments.’

‘Be careful or I'll use you next.’, Sehun snaps. “Don't call me a kid.”

Jongin holds his hands up. ‘It's true that you seemed mature enough last night.’ Sehun scoffs. ‘How old are you anyway?’

'19.'

Jongin's eyebrow twitches. 'Month?'

Sehun rolls his eyes. 'April. Is this really important?'

'Yes. I'm older.' Jongin flashes his pearly whites and moves to walk out again.

'Wait, dammit. Where's the bathroom?', Sehun calls out from the bed. There's a steady throbbing in his head now and he wants nothing more than to go back to sleep. He closes his eyes and rubs at one of them with the heel of his palm, trying to ease the ache.

'Second door on the right. Are you okay?' There's genuine concern in Jongin's voice. 'Do you want some painkillers?'

'Yeah, but something strong. It's not only my head that's hurting.'

Sehun shifts to the side of the bed and sits up slowly, bones creaking in protest, the pull of his muscles a burning uncomfortable sensation. He groans quietly and pushes himself up, standing on wobbly legs, the duvet falling from his hips. He stretches his arms above his head and winces at the popping sounds his joints make. He feels Jongin’s eyes on him as he stands nude in the chilly morning air and sunlight peeking into the room from outside. Their eyes meet, and Sehun can suddenly remember everything from last night, every touch, every word said, every sound made. He shudders under the intensity of Jongin’s gaze as the other’s eyes wander down the length of Sehun’s body again shamelessly. Sehun wants to cover up, to hide, but he supposes there really isn’t anything to hide, so he moves to walk to the door. That, however, proves to be a mistake. Taking a step in Jongin’s direction shoots another sharp jolt of pain down his inner thighs and lower back. He yelps and catches himself from doubling over by supporting his weight against the wall. He rubs his ass and sends a glare to Jongin, whose worried expression transforms into a scowl as well.

‘It’s not my fault!’

‘Yes, it is, you idiot! You went too fast.’, Sehun growls, limping away from the bed.

‘You didn’t tell me to stop.’, Jongin retorts, voice teasing. Sehun mimics kicking him as he walks past, into the hallway. He hears Jongin’s laughter echoing against the walls as he reaches what he assumes to be the bathroom door, opening it forcefully and slamming it behind him.

Leaning against the cold wood, he takes a moment to collect himself and to take in his surroundings. The bathroom is spacious, with black walls and a high white ceiling, a shower corner bordered by spotless glass, two sinks with elegant silver faucets, a huge mirror covering the whole wall above them. A white vase with peace lilies stands next to the door and Sehun tentatively touches a leaf, testing its authenticity. He steps onto the mat under one of the sinks and examines himself in the mirror. The remains of the eyeliner are smeared around the outer corners of his eyes, and there’s some black above his eyebrow as well. He takes a cotton pad from the neatly arranged pile in a small box that’s standing on a narrow shelf above the sink, and soaks it in make-up remover, running it over his face and eyes. When there’s no more cosmetics on his face, he throws the cotton pad into the bin. Looking back into the mirror, he winces at the number of hickeys and bruises decorating his jawline, neck, collarbones and shoulders as he maps them out, tracing each one with the tips of his fingers delicately. There’s more on his hipbones and thighs, some taking the shape of Jongin’s fingers. Sehun stands still and lets his eyes wander over his naked reflection, resting on his too broad shoulders, too thin waist, too long legs. He runs the palm of his hand down the front of his chest, finding flatness where muscles should be defined. The scar on his cheek seems even more prominent now, and there’s angry red spots on his chin. The bags under his eyes are painted dark, his complexion pale and lifeless. If this is what he looks like the morning after sleeping with someone then he never wants to do this again. He doesn’t remember if he used to look like this when he was younger. His ex’s bathroom didn’t have a mirror.

Sehun offers his reflection a deep sigh and turns away from the mirror. Opening the glass door, he steps into the shower corner, closing it behind himself carefully. The wide shower head is attached to the wall, so he turns it on, adjusting the temperature of the water to his liking and letting it gently scald his skin. After a while, he can’t feel the burning anymore. Using some of the coconut-scented shower gel, he washes his whole body thoroughly, scrubbing the dried semen from his stomach, washing away unwanted thoughts, words he said last night he wishes he didn’t, and words left unsaid. He takes his time massage expensive shampoo into his hair, letting it soak in as he stands under the shower head, the water so hot it almost feels cold hitting his neck and upper back. After washing the shampoo out and slicking his hair back, Sehun turns the shower off and steps out, shivering against the cold air. He looks around for towels but chooses the bathrobe again, sighing in bliss as he wraps the soft material around himself, tying the sash around his waist loosely. Moving to the sinks again and inspecting the cosmetics on display, Sehun picks up a face wash and opens the cap, sniffing it before squeezing some on his fingers and lathering it onto his face, rubbing it against his skin to get rid of any dirt. He washes the foam off and grabs a moisturizer and applies it to his face in dots, working it in with his fingers. He never had time to make himself presentable when leaving his ex’s apartment, most of the times he wasn’t even allowed to stay the night, so might as well take the opportunity to pamper himself. 

There’s make-up neatly arranged next to the face products so Sehun assumes this is a joint bathroom for all family members. The thought of using make-up that Jongin’s mother or sister uses is a bit troubling, but Sehun still reaches for a cushion foundation and dabs it onto his skin, blending the harsh edges at his hairline. He fills in his eyebrows to give them shape and consistency and puts on eyeliner, finishing with lip balm on his cracked, dry lips. After drying his hair with a towel, he turns on the hair-dryer and combs his hair to part it in the middle, the hot heat ruffling his silver locks gently. He fixes his bangs with hairspray and smooths out his sideburns, and then dabs some of what he assumes to be Jongin’s cologne on his wrists and behind his ears. After taking a last look at himself in the mirror, Sehun opens the door quietly and turns off the lights, the bathroom disappearing into darkness.

His bare feet don’t make a sound against the wooden floor as he walks down the corridor. There’s faint music playing, and Sehun can make out the sizzling of hot oil on a pan, overpowering the quiet hissing of the gas stove. He stops in front of a door less frame and peeks in, body pressed against the wall. The room in front of him is a joint kitchen and living room, all comforting grey, brown and beige colours, a large suede couch, a flat-screen TV, kitchen island with bar stools, big windows, high ceiling with small white chandeliers. Jongin is standing at the stove, turning something over on a pan, humming to instrumental music playing from a portable speaker. Sehun runs a hand through his hair hastily and adjusts the hem of the bathrobe before stepping in the kitchen.

Jongin notices him when he turns around to throw something out. He stands frozen, body in the middle of a turn, eyes fixed on Sehun, lips parted. Sehun feels self-conscious, exposed, and tries to tug the bathrobe further down his thighs. He tentatively walks to the kitchen island and sits on a stool, leaning his elbows against the marble desk. Jongin is still watching him, so Sehun raises an eyebrow at him. 

‘You’re gorgeous.’, is what Jongin says, and Sehun feels his cheeks redden despite the way his body freezes in shock again. Jongin’s complimented him in this endearing way twice, and Sehun doesn’t think he can take much more. He hides his face in the crook of his elbow and whines.

‘You are.’, Jongin continues, and Sehun hears a smile in his voice. ‘Do you not like it when people call you that?’

‘I’m not used to it.’, Sehun mumbles. ‘No one’s called me that before.’

‘What? Surely you’ve had a partner before?’

Sehun raises his head and glances wearily at Jongin. ‘You haven’t seen my bare face. Would you call me beautiful then?’

Jongin frowns. ‘Yes. Of course. Beauty is consistent. Make-up, or lack of, doesn’t make a difference.’

Sehun gives a short laugh. ‘Wow. You sure have different beauty standards than other people. Are you one of those that think inner beauty is more important?’

Jongin shakes his head. ‘Not necessarily. I don’t know you well, so I can’t say that. I’m just saying that some people have naturally beautiful features.’

‘And I’m one of these people?’ Sehun rests his chin in the palm of his hand as he watches Jongin nod.

‘Yes. Your features are unique. Not classically handsome. They’re very aesthetically pleasing. Your jawline, for example.’ Jongin’s eyes map the parts of Sehun’s face as he talks.

‘You sound like you know what you’re talking about.’

Jongin turns the stove off, and pours boiling water from the kettle into two mugs. ‘My mother is a painter. I like photography. I can tell when someone is attractive, from a purely visual view.’

‘Oh.’ Sehun shifts his weight so he’s leaning back, spine curving. ‘So now… and last night, you… didn’t call me beautiful because you, like… have feelings for me or something, right? You don’t like me, right?’ His eyes are wide. He needs reassurance.

Jongin offers him a soft smile as he transfers fried eggs onto plates. ‘I’ve just met you for the first time. I do like you. You’re interesting. I’ve never met anyone like you.’

Sehun nods. ‘Ditto. Your house is super nice.’

Jongin chuckles. ‘Look at you. Materialistic asshole.’

Sehun sends him a half-hearted glare. ‘Okay, back to the main topic.’

‘There’s a main topic?’

This time, Sehun’s glare is genuine. ‘So, you have a tendency to call people beautiful.’

‘No.’ Jongin sets a plate in front of Sehun and hands him a fork. ‘You think I call just anyone terms of appeal? I called you beautiful because you’re undoubtedly the most attractive person I’ve met.’

‘Or had sex with.’, Sehun coughs into the sleeve of the bathrobe. 

Jongin laughs. ‘I haven’t had sex with many people, but you’re right.’

‘Moving on. Why did you call me different things last night and now?’ Sehun stabs the egg yolk with his fork and watches as it spills over the plate.

‘I didn’t want to repeat myself.’ Jongin hands Sehun a black mug with white flowers on it. ‘Careful, hot.’

‘That’s it?’

‘I also don’t want to use ‘beautiful’ over and over again when there’s so many different words. Your appearance can’t be expressed just by saying you’re beautiful.’

Sehun hastily takes a sip of tea and burns his tongue in the process. The glare that had almost faded from his face while Jongin was talking makes a reappearance. ‘That’s a load of bullshit.’

Jongin raises his eyebrows. ‘You don’t believe me?’

‘I don’t believe a word of what you just said.’

‘I’ll prove it to you one day.’

Sehun ducks his head down to avoid Jongin’s gaze. ‘How are you so sure that we’ll meet again?’

‘Because I want to. Like I said, you’re interesting.’

Sehun sighs, and lifts his eyes, glancing at Jongin. ‘Look. You seem like a nice guy, you’re smart and an artist, you’re hot as well, but… I don’t want a relationship right now.’  
‘Who said anything about a relationship?’

‘If we do continue seeing each other, even as ‘friends’, one of us, or both of us, might get attached, develop feelings. I don’t want that to happen.’

Jongin looks almost pitiful. ‘Bad experiences?’

‘I don’t want to talk about that with someone I just met, Jongin. Let’s just put this behind us, okay? I’m gonna finish eating this, then I’m gonna find my phone, get dressed, go back to my dorm and make up a lie to my roommate about my whereabouts last night, and we’ll never see each other again.’

Jongin leans against the kitchen counter. He’s too close for Sehun’s comfort. ‘Okay, first of all, we go to the same university, so it’s highly unlikely that we won’t meet again. Why would you have to lie about where you were and what you did? Is it so embarrassing that we slept together that you can’t tell anyone?’

Sehun winces. ‘Please don’t take it personally...’

Jongin pretends he doesn’t hear him. ‘And lastly… I don’t know what happened to you in the past that you’re so detached, but you have friends. Are you afraid you’ll develop feelings for them? It doesn’t matter if it’s me or someone else. I genuinely want to get to know you better and be your friend. I like you, but like I said, I don’t know you well enough yet. If I do get attached in the process, I won’t force my feelings onto you because I know you’re not comfortable with that.’

Sehun shifts his weight again, staring at a spot on the wall. This conversation is making him restless, he wants to leave quickly. It’s been so long since he has had genuine feelings for someone, and they didn’t talk about it, ever, and now, with someone he’s just met last night but feels like he’s known him for years, he is talking about his wellbeing and he feels like he’s going to cry because Jongin is so kind and considerate and honest, his voice soft and soothing as his promises fade into the quiet background music. Sehun sighs deeply, tilting his head back in case any tears threaten to slip from his eyes, and crosses one leg over the other carefully, taking a sip of the now cooler tea. He can now identify the soothing taste of lemon and ginger. He blinks slowly, and locks eyes with Jongin, who smiles softly.

‘Also, something is telling me that if you meant what you said, you would’ve left a long time ago. You definitely wouldn’t have taken your time in the bathroom like you did. You’d leave the moment you woke up. That’s what people do after a one-night stand, right?’

Sehun closes his eyes, feeling them burn because he slept with his contact lenses in. Rubbing the bridge of his nose to soothe throbbing pain in his head that he’s well aware of now, he tries to organize his thought. Jongin’s right, he realizes, he would’ve left, but there’s just something about Jongin that pulls him in, something right and endearing about the way Jongin smiles, about the way he holds eye contact when he talks, about the way he’s so attentive and understanding. He feels like everything fell into place after the first words they exchanged last night, like they might be opposites but complete each other; Sehun might be ice and Jongin might be fire but Sehun doesn’t get burnt and Jongin doesn’t freeze, Sehun is night and Jongin is day but one doesn’t fade away when he’s with the other. Sehun feels physically and emotionally drawn to Jongin, and this confuses him, so much that he can’t breathe when he thinks about it, that he wants to hide and not think again. He’s never felt this way before, and it’s terrifying; it’s all too sudden and all too strong, simple emotions mixing into something he’s feeling for the first time. 

‘Oh, I forgot!’ Jongin’s voice snaps him back into reality and he opens his eyes, squinting against the harsh light. He wants to go to sleep and never wake up again. ‘Do you want the painkillers? I only have Advil…’

Sehun nods mutely. Jongin still has that small, soft smile on his face, looking at Sehun warmly. He opens a cupboard and reaches into the top shelf. Sehun watches as Jongin’s shirt rides up and exposes a sliver of smooth skin the colour of caramel. Jongin’s skin is unusually tan, but Sehun likes the contrast it creates with his own pale complexion. Jongin hands Sehun a pill and a glass of cold water. Sehun presses the glass against his forehead, trying to soothe the pain radiating in his temples. He places the pill on his tongue and tries not to gag as he swallows it with the water. Placing the empty glass on the table, he presses his knuckles to his closed eyes and breathes out through his nose, fighting the horrible aftertaste. The pain spreads from his head to his entire body and a wave of nausea washes over him. He sways on the stool but catches himself by the table, squeezing his eyes shut tightly before opening them. He can see clearly, but there’s stars dancing on the edges of his vision. He presses a hand against his chest and reaches for the glass, retracting his hand back when he realizes it’s empty. Jongin eyes him warily, moving to the sink to fill up the glass again before handing it to Sehun, who sips at the cold liquid slowly.

‘Are you okay?’ Jongin’s voice is too loud in the quiet room. Sehun is aware of every sound; the humming of the ventilator, the almost inaudible instrumental background music, the thumping of his heart. His skin feels too hot, eyelids too heavy, nerves restless but thrumming at the same time. 

‘It’s all just… catching up on me.’ His tongue feels heavy, as if coated in lead. Voice slurred, saying words that don’t make sense to him. He feels Jongin’s hand on his back, thumb stroking against the soft material of the bathrobe.

‘What do you… how can I help you?’ Jongin’s voice is anxious.

‘Can I like… take a nap for a couple of hours?’ Sehun tries to blink away the fatigue lingering in the corners his eyes, but it’s weighing his body down and he feels himself slump against the table. 

‘Sure. Do you want to… on the bed? Or you can use the sofa.’

Sehun scoffs. ‘What are you thinking?’ He climbs off the stool carefully, bracing himself on the table. His feet are cold against the wooden table. ‘If you don’t mind, can I sleep on the bed?’

Jongin nods. ‘Do you need help walking to my room?’

Sehun rolls his eyes. ‘I can do it myself just fine, thanks.’ 

‘You’re not going to eat?’ Jongin points at the barely touched plate. 

Sehun shakes his head. ‘I feel like I’m going to throw up just looking at it. No offense.’

He heads to the corridor, supporting his weight by an arm against the wall, shuffling to Jongin’s room, perspiration forming at his temples. His head is spinning, freshly washed hair sticking to his forehead with sweat. He looks over his shoulder to see Jongin trailing a few steps behind him, a glass of water in his hand. Sehun frowns at him, but Jongin just smiles and waits until Sehun starts moving again. Finally arriving in Jongin’s room, Sehun stands in front of the for a moment, back to Jongin, before he unfastens the belt and slides the bathrobe off his shoulders. He crawls on the bed and makes himself comfortable, body sinking into the mattress, and snuggles into the covers until only the upper half of his face is peeking out. He watches Jongin as he places the glass on the bedside table and moves to the window to close the blinds. The room falls into a comfortable darkness, and Sehun closes his eyes, feeling a heavy weight of fatigue seep into his bones. He hears Jongin moving around, and then the sound of typing, but he tunes those sounds out as he slips into a light slumber.

He doesn’t dream. Even when asleep he’s aware of the steady throbbing inside his skull, but his sleep is a dreamless, black void, pulling him in deeper and deeper. His mind slithers back into consciousness at times, and he feels the cold bedsheets against his heated skin, hears Jongin typing, is aware of Jongin’s presence, before he slips away into darkness again. He tosses and turns at the beginning, body restless with pent-up energy, before he falls into a lethargic state, eyelashes quivering gently against his cheeks as he finally finds rest. 

He wakes up to the sound of heavy rain. He doesn’t know how much time has passed. Sighing through his nose, he slowly turns his body to lay on his side, a comfortable weight seeping into his bones. The pain in his head has eased into a barely-there ache that he is only aware of if he concentrates on it. The nausea is gone, and so is the soreness in his lower back. Angling his head to the side, he blinks his eyes open, staring at the closed blinds, soft daylight bleeding in through the edges. It must be cloudy. The typing starts again, and Sehun diverts his gaze to the desk. Jongin is seated in the office hair, typing on his laptop, the screen a comforting glow in the dim room. He has earphones in, and his foot is gently tapping against the floor to a rhythm playing in his ears. Sehun pushes himself up into a sitting position and reaches for the glass on the bedside table, the water soothing in his throat as he drinks. He puts the glass back and leans back, resting against the pillows, covers pulled tight against his waist. The room is chilly, but Sehun welcomes the cold air. He leans his head against the wall, watching Jongin work quietly. Jongin runs a hand through his hair and types a last word before closing the word editor and slumping against the chair, cracking his knuckles. He takes out his earphones and rolls his shoulders, closing his laptop and standing up to stretch. He registers movement on the bed and turns his head.

Sehun smiles at him sleepily, raising his head in a wave. Jongin returns the smile and sits on the edge of the bed, near the end, giving Sehun space. He lays a palm on the mattress, playing with the rim of the covers. He parts his lips, as if he wants to say something, but then closes his mouth again. Sehun waits.

‘How are you feeling?’, he eventually asks, looking up at Sehun.

‘Much better. Thank you.’ The soft smile doesn’t leave Sehun’s face as he gazes steadily at Jongin. 

Jongin nods. ‘Good.’

‘I’m sorry if I inconvenienced you or anything.’

‘It’s okay. It was out of your control.’ Jongin scoots further back on the bed and crosses his legs. ‘Hypersensitivity, right? Or something like that.’

Sehun hums. ‘I wasn’t officially diagnosed, but yeah. I have really low pain tolerance. My immune system is shit too. I don’t feel the pain straight away, but like I said, it catches up. I only had a couple of drinks last night but still got a horrible headache today.’

Jongin nods again, rubbing at the side of his neck. Sehun’s smile widens.

‘Were you about to call me beautiful again?’

‘Actually I was going to say stunning, but… didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.’

‘Hm.’ Sehun blinks sleepily, brushing his bangs away from his forehead. ‘Maybe I can make an exception for you.’

‘Why? Did you come to a conclusion during your nap?’ Jongin is grinning.

‘Even before, actually. I’m willing to be your friend or whatever, but can we take it slow?’

Jongin is positively glowing. ‘Of course. Thank you for reconsidering.’

Sehun sits up straight. ‘I was being a dick. Also, I’m in a good mood now. Where’s my phone?’  
Jongin stands up and walks to his desk, taking Sehun’s phone and tossing it on the bed. Sehun tries to turn it on, but the battery is dead. Sighing, he places the phone next to  
him.

‘I should go now. Thank you for letting me stay.’

‘No worries. Want to borrow some clothes?’  
Sehun waves his hand. ‘I’m fine.’ He flings the covers off and also stands, stretching his arms and back. He takes his underwear from the chair and hastily pulls it on, avoiding Jongin’s gaze as he dresses. Zipping up the button of his jeans a few moments later, he puts his phone in the back pocket, happy to also find his earphones, cigarette pack and lighter. He turns to Jongin, who looks like he hasn’t taken his eyes off Sehun for the entire process of him getting dressed. Jongin shakes his head lightly and directs his eyes to  
the window. The rain is still falling heavily.

‘Do you need a ride?’

Sehun frowns. ‘I already caused you enough trouble.’

Jongin shakes his head. ‘The dorms are close. It won’t take me long, and I have nothing else to do anyway.’

‘If you don’t mind then.’  
They walk to the front door together, slipping their shoes on. Jongin opens the door and raises an umbrella above their heads, leading Sehun to the car. Sehun slips into the passenger seat and puts the seatbelt on, turning his head to finally look at Jongin’s house. It doesn’t look that extravagant from the outside, a simple white one-story house with a back-garden. Jongin turns the radio on, starting the car and pulling out of the driveway. Sehun leans his head against the window and listens to the soft rock music combined with the sound of rain thrumming against the roof of the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys have been so kind with you comments, thank you so much~  
> don't forget to comment or leave kudos if you liked this chapter, I'd appreciate it a lot  
> my [tumblr](http://dtagustd.tumblr.com/) and my [twitter](https://twitter.com/lizhythova) , come scream at me:)  
> beta'd so there should be no typos


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY THAT I TOOK SO LONG  
> I had a pretty shit month with so much work to do for school, and I didn't feel particularly motivated to write because I didn't have any ideas  
> this is for my best friend (like all the previous chapters lol) because he's also going through some shit and I'm sad because of that. Pls feel better :)
> 
> Anyway, this is only like a filler chapter bc yeah I had no idea what i was doing  
> beta'd so there should be no typos

The rain gets heavier by the time they make it to the dorms. Sehun steps out of the car and closes the door, jogging to the safety of the building, not looking back even though he’s itching to. His mind is a chaos, thoughts in disorder and overlapping. He massages his temple with one hand as he puts the safety pin number with the other. The door gives an affirmative beep and Sehun pushes it open with his shoulder, stumbling inside. Another headache is blooming behind his left eye, and Sehun wants nothing more to do than resume his nap and sleep all day. He drags himself up the stairs to the second floor and leans against the wall next to the door to his and Baekhyun’s shared room, fumbling with the key. The nausea he felt earlier that disappeared after his nap is coming back as well, his vision a bit blurry. Finally inserting the key into the lock, he opens the door, surveying the room. Baekhyun is in, as is Chanyeol, both currently engaged in playing Until Dawn on the PlayStation Sehun’s brought over when he first moved in. Both boys are sitting on Baekhyun’s bed, Chanyeol with his back to the wall and legs dangling off the edge of the mattress with Baekhyun settled on his lap, trying to take Chanyeol’s controller. Their position reminds Sehun of last night’s events and he fake-gags, slamming the door behind a little too loudly, the sound still echoing in his ears even as he takes off his shoes and flops on his bed, face down.

‘Ah, here he is!’, Baekhyun exclaims, giving up on fighting Chanyeol and instead turning back to the TV. ‘Why didn’t you come home last night, young man?’

‘Shut the fuck up.’, Sehun grumbles, voice muffled by his pillow.

‘How was Jongdae’s party? We left after like an hour, so..’

‘It was boring, everyone was drunk. I wish I had also got drunk…’ Sehun turns his head to the side, watching the couple on the other bed.

‘I didn’t even see you there, though.’, Chanyeol says, encircling Baekhyun’s torso with his arms and holding the controller in front of the smaller male’s chest for better access.

‘Yeah, I was… outside. Then I also left.’

Baekhyun snorts. ‘Who did you leave with?’

Sehun rolls his eyes. ‘What are you talking about? You think I slept with someone?’, he asks, feigning innocence.

‘Why else would you come home so late?’

‘I could’ve stayed over at a friend’s house?’

Baekhyun turns his torso to face Sehun. ‘The only people that are your friends at the party was Jongdae, Yixing, me and Yeol. Yixing slept over at Jongdae’s house. Stop lying to your hyung, Oh Sehun.’

Sehun turns his head to the other side, staring at the wall. He gives a frustrated sigh. ‘Fine. Okay. I slept with someone.’

‘Someone I know?’ He can hear the grin in Baekhyun’s voice.

‘Why do you need to know? I’ve told you enough.’

‘No, I need details. Is this the end of your abstinence?’

Sehun snorts. ‘Abstinence? Hardly. The last time I had sex was-‘

‘Last night.’

‘- like half a year ago. Do I need to have sex regularly? Like, have a schedule? Why do you know so much about my sex life anyway?’

‘Because you’re my best friend. You know about my-‘

‘No, actually.’ Sehun turns onto his back and pushes himself up on his elbows, leaning back against the pillows. The mattress is much harder and less comfortable than Jongin’s bed. ‘I prefer the way it is now. You know, you spending the night in Chanyeol’s room when you do your thing. I like sleeping.’

Chanyeol laughs. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t disturb your beauty sleep.’

Sehun glares. ‘You better not.’

‘So, how many times did you do it? Quite a few, since you came home just now, I imagine.’ Baekhyun winks at Sehun.

‘Actually, only once. Then I took a nice long nap because I felt like shit when I first woke up.’

Baekhyun cackles. ‘I bet that’s not what he was expecting.’

‘Nah, he was very welcoming in letting me sleep. Even made me breakfast, gave me painkillers _and_ let me use the make-up remover.’ Sehun sighs.

Baekhyun’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. ‘And you left?’

Sehun gives a tired chuckle. ‘Imagine how awkward it would be if I stayed all day. Like ‘yeah, thanks for the sex, can I sleep in your bed all day?’. He did homework while I was sleeping. I didn’t want to intrude.’

‘How did you even hook up?’

Sehun bends his legs, staring outside of the window, watching the raindrops trail down the glass. ‘I don’t know, _hyung_ , how did you hook up with Chanyeol?’

‘Don’t answer my question with a question!’ Baekhyun picks up a pencil and throws in at Sehun. It hits him in the knee. ‘So disrespectful.’

‘You’re being disrespectful for invading my private life. Why are you so damn nosy?’ Sehun glares.

‘Because I care about your safety, of course. I want to know if he like, forced himself onto you-‘

‘No, you’re just going to use this information for blackmailing me later.’ Sehun turns back to look at Baekhyun, and notices Chanyeol trying to conceal his laughter, hiding his face into Baekhyun’s shoulder. ‘Help me out, hyung!’

Chanyeol shakes his head. ‘Nope, I’m actually really interested in your one-night stand as well.’

Sehun sighs dejectedly. He knows that he’s fucked now that both of them want to know. There’s no use lying. He cringes at the memory of that time when Baekhyun forced out the name of Sehun’s crush by not letting him sleep for nearly a week. He sits up, spine rigid, looking warily at the pair.

‘Fine. What do you want know?’

Baekhyun claps his hands excitedly. ‘Well, first and most importantly, his name?’

‘Ah, for fuck’s sake. Can’t he just remain nameless?’

‘Don’t curse at your hyung!’

Sehun groans and leans forwards, head hanging between his shoulders. ‘Don’t pester me. It was Kim Jongin, okay?’

Baekhyun freezes, lips parting as a shocked expression settles into his features. He turns his head to look at Chanyeol, who looks equally shocked and a bit scared. Sehun raises an eyebrow, looking quizzically at them.

‘What? Do you know him? Why are you making that face?’

The pair remains silent, averting their eyes, and Sehun huffs irritably, crossing his arms. ‘I told you, now tell me why you’re acting like that!’

‘Sehunnie…’, Baekhyun begins gently, face softening. ‘I’m sorry.’

Sehun’s eyes widen. ‘For what?’ He’s getting more and more confused with the pair’s reaction. ‘Is Kim Jongin, like … _why_  are you sorry?’

Baekhyun presses the heel of his palm against his forehead, leaning back against Chanyeol’s chest. ‘We… me, Jongdae and a few other people got very drunk very quickly.’

‘Yes, I know. I saw Jongdae and Jongin arguing.’

‘The story is… we were playing truth and dare, and… we dared Jongin to take a guy home, since he’s straight…’

There’s ringing in Sehun’s ears.

‘We had no idea it was going to be you… I’m so sorry, Sehunnie.’

Baekhyun buries his face in his hands, looking very pitiful. Not that Sehun cares about that. His mind is still trying to make sense of the sentence ‘ _we dared Jongin to take a guy home_ ’. It wasn’t genuine attraction that Jongin was feeling. It wasn’t genuine, all the things he said. The fact that he let Sehun stay overnight and that he was so nice to him. It was all part of a prank. Sehun exhales, closes his eyes that he doesn’t realize he had closed, and slowly turns his head towards Baekhyun.

‘Why did they argue then?’, is the most sensible thing that comes out of his mouth.

‘It was Jongdae who suggested it. Because he was drunk he said some stupid shit, and some dude, a friend of Jongin’s, I think, started insulting him, so Jongin just punched the guy.’

Sehun nods. He’s staring into empty space, eyes becoming dry from not blinking. He can hear his pulse in his ears, quickening, thudding faster and faster as his consciousness takes over his thoughts, that part of him he hates that is now whispering into his ear, that none of it was real, what Sehun thought he felt for Jongin after he sorted out his feelings wasn’t real, and what Jongin presumably felt for Sehun wasn’t real either. What he said, how beautiful Sehun is, how interesting he is. The person that made Sehun feel comfortable in his own skin, just as he is, after such a long time of self-hatred and illusions. How Jongin let Sehun help him last night, how they shared a cigarette, and how Jongin initiated by kissing him; it was all an act, a part of a _prank_. Sehun has never felt more worthless. Of course no one would want him. It was a dare, meant to be funny. The people involved in this game probably laughed their asses off when they watched him and Jongin make out in front of Jongdae’s house.

He finally blinks, clearing his mind as he shakes his head. There’s marks in his palms from the way his nails were digging into them. His face remains emotionless when he turns to look back at Baekhyun and Chanyeol, and he finds that it’s not intentional. Not a mask. He can’t bring himself to feel anything, after the millions of horrible thoughts that circled in his head. Just cold indifference. It’ not the first time this would’ve happened to him, although this is the first time he’s been pranked like this. The indifference stays even as he thinks of all the possible times spent with Jongin that he had been planning, and as he thinks of crossing every single one of them out of his agenda. Jongin doesn’t deserve to spend time with him.

‘Sehunnie… say something. I’m really sorry.’

Sehun holds up a hand. ‘Stop apologizing.’

Baekhyun winces at his voice, quiet and broken, but unwavering. Chanyeol frowns, watching Sehun with a worried expression.

‘Stop.’ Sehun shakes his head. ‘It’s not your fault. It’s not even his fault. If anything, it’s my fault for sleeping with him.’

Baekhyun tilts his head to the side. ‘Sehun...'

‘He didn’t even look like he was… trying hook up. I was the one who approached him. Either he’s a really good actor, or he’s not as straight as he thinks he is…’

‘He’s definitely not straight when he slept with you.’, Baekhyun scoffs.

 _He called me beautiful as well._ ‘So I have two options now.’ Sehun sighs and leans against the headboard. ‘I can either try to avoid him for the remaining two years here, or try to act like nothing happened.’

‘Or you could not pretend like nothing happened and deal with this like an adult.’

Sehun bites the inside of his cheek, lowering his gaze to stare at the ugly carpet on the floor.

‘Realistically, what’s the possibility of me running into him again?’

‘Very high.’, Baekhyun says with a grin.

‘But I haven’t met him before last night and we’ve both been here for a year.’

‘That’s because you’re an antisocial asshole who doesn’t go out or doesn’t talk to people apart from the ten friends you have.’

Sehun sneers. ‘That’s definitely not true.’

‘He’s friends with your friends and with us.’, Chanyeol says with a shrug. ‘You’ll probably see him again.’

‘Face your fears, Sehun.’, Baekhyun cackles.

Sehun raises an eyebrow, throwing Baekhyun a glare. ‘You want me to give him a second chance, don’t you?’

‘Come on. I know Jongin well. He probably didn’t even think of the prank when he was making a move on you. I feel like he forgot about it and everything he did and said, whatever that may be, was genuine.’

_Oh._

‘I didn’t think of that.’ Sehun’s voice is quiet, almost a whisper, as his brain comes back to life.

Baekhyun shakes his head. ‘Try to look at it from both sides, Sehun.’

Sehun shakes his bangs from his forehead, giving a deep sigh in response. He twirls a strand of hair between his thumb and forefinger idly. It almost reaches the bridge of his nose if it’s not combed back.

‘I need a haircut.’

‘To make Jongin fall for you?’

Sehun glares. ‘No, you idiot. My hair is getting too long.’

Baekhyun nods. ‘True. But it’s also gonna help Jongin fall for you.’

‘I don’t necessarily want that, though.’, Sehun exclaims, tone exasperated. ‘Can you stop talking about him, please? Yes, I’ll sort my shit out, don’t worry, mom.’

‘Chanyeol, please give that child some discipline.’

‘You’re literally two years older than me!’

**

‘So you want a haircut because you want Kim Jongin to fall in love with you?’

‘How many people are going to ask me that question? Literally, no. The only reason I want a haircut is because I can’t see.’

‘Whatever you say.’

Sehun is in Zitao and Yifan’s shared apartment, currently seated cross-legged on the floor while Zitao sits on the sofa behind him, thighs open and knees touching Sehun’s shoulders. It’s a Wednesday afternoon, the sunlight is streaming lazily into the spacious living room, the sound of traffic audible through the open window.

Zitao is a hairdressing student. They met the year they started university, and Sehun might’ve had a tiny crush on Zitao, but quickly sorted it out after finding out Zitao was already taken. They became good friends very quickly, and Sehun isn’t even sorry to admit that he probably spends more time at Zitao’s apartment than he does in his dorm room. Yifan was terrifying at first glance, because Sehun hardly ever meets someone who’s taller than him, but he quickly learned that looks are deceiving and that Yifan is actually the kindest person ever.

Sehun turns a page of a fashion magazine he has in his lap as Zitao sorts out all his tools next to him. Ever since becoming friends, Sehun has stopped going to the hairdresser’s, because why waste money when you can have your best friend cut your hair for free? Zitao is very skilled despite being only in his second year, so he has Sehun’s trust of not fucking up his hair.

‘Can I dye it?’, Zitao asks after a moment of silence, running his fingers through Sehun’s hair. ‘Your ends are fucked up, by the way.’

‘Dye it?’ Sehun turns his head slightly to hear Zitao better.

‘You’ve had light hair forever.’

Sehun nods. ‘True. Yeah, sure, whatever.’

Zitao claps his hands excitedly.

‘Oh, god. You sound eager. Don’t make it too crazy.’

‘It’s just that I haven’t dyed anyone’s hair in so long.’, Zitao sighs happily. ‘I was thinking black with an undercut.’

‘I’m just gonna look like I don’t give a shit about anything.’

Zitao scoffs. ‘Don’t you? You’ll look super hot. The whole student body is going to want to fuck you. Or have you fuck them, depending..’

‘Oh, yay.’, Sehun says dryly.

Zitao prods the back of Sehun’s neck with a comb. ‘Shut the fuck up and let me do my work. I’m majoring in this bullshit, I know what I’m doing.’

‘I’ll switch to Korean, then we’ll see how much you curse.’

‘Don’t disrespect your elders.’

‘I literally didn’t ask for your opinion.’

Zitao snickers. ‘What would you do if I accidentally shaved all your hair off…’

‘I’d actually sue you. Don’t fuck around.’

‘Right, shut up and let me do my work. And put some music on as well.’

Sehun reaches for Zitao’s speaker and connects his phone, browsing through his music library. Zitao likes slow music when he’s working, so he chooses his Sad Songs playlist. He’s not sure when or why he made that playlist, but it’s the only slow and relaxing music he has.

Zitao fakes sniffs when the first song starts playing. ‘Diphylleia Grayi’ by Jonghyun. ‘Is this what you listen to at night?’

‘No, I haven’t listened to this playlist for like half a year.’

‘Good. I thought you were moping because of Kim Jongin. Don’t listen to sad music when you’re sad.’

Sehun looks up at Zitao, who’s mixing dye in a bowl. ‘What should I do then?’

‘Call me and vent.’ Zitao smiles down at him, patting Sehun’s head before walking around him and easing onto the couch again. He throws a towel around Sehun’s shoulder, and starts combing through his hair, working through knots. ‘Definitely don’t get drunk. And don’t listen to sad music. That’ll just make you feel sadder.’

Sehun rests his cheek against Zitao’s knee. ‘What if I want to feel sad?’

‘You shouldn’t feel sad. Because then you don’t feel like doing anything and you start hating yourself.’ Zitao clips Sehun’s hair back. ‘You’re okay, right?’

Sehun smiles. ‘I’m okay. Don’t worry about me. I’m not sad.’

‘Good. Still, call me. Why didn’t you call me this weekend?’

‘Because Baekhyun was giving me relationship advice.’

Zitao laughs, adjusting the rubber gloves on his hands and dipping a brush into the bowl. ‘You won’t need advice when I’m done with you.’

Sehun closes his eyes and leans back against the couch. ‘Go for it.’

He feels Zitao gently grab a section of his hair at the crown of his head and coat it with the hair dye, working it in with his fingers. The feeling of Zitao touching his hair makes him feel sleepy, so he zones out for the entire process, listening to the music and letting Zitao work. Even after it feels like Zitao is done, he’s still playing with Sehun’s hair, smearing the dye around and slicking his bangs back. They don’t talk when Zitao pulls a plastic cap over Sehun’s hair, or over the next 20 minutes when they’re waiting for the dye to soak it. By the time Sehun opens his eyes again, the sun has set and the room is dark, save for the sharp white light from Zitao’s laptop.

‘Are you awake?’

Sehun sniffs. ‘I was never asleep.’

Zitao smiles sets his laptop aside, gently peeling the cap from Sehun’s head. ‘Go wash it off.’

‘Can you do it for me?'

Zitao rolls his eyes, but stands up and pulls Sehun to his feet as well, moving to the bathroom. Sehun kneels on the rug in front of the bath tub while Zitao sits on the edge and turns the water on, testing the temperature. He gently pushes Sehun’s head forward so that he’s leaning over the bath tub.

‘Is the water okay?’

Sehun brings his hand forward, dipping it under the water. ‘It’s too cold.’

‘Is it?’ He can hear the frown in Zitao’s voice. ‘It feels warm to me. Are you getting sick again?’

Sehun sighs. ‘No. My body’s been more sensitive than usual lately. I need to go to the doctor again.’

‘Oh, you problematic child.’

Zitao brings the shower head over Sehun’s head, shielding his forehead and eyes with his other hand as he washes the dye off. Sehun watches the water swirl at the bottom of the bath tub, grey mixing with foam from the shampoo Zitao lathers into his hair.

‘I made the right decision.’, he hears Zitao mumble under his breath.

‘What, does it look good?’

‘Just until I’m finished. I need to cut it now. Sit back.’

Sehun turns so that his back is facing Zitao again, spreading his legs in front of him. Zitao dries his hair with a towel and the combs it into its previous style.

‘Side part?’

‘Sure, but I still want to wear my bangs down.’

‘This only makes it easier for me to cut it.’ Zitao parts Sehun’s hair and grabs his scissors. ‘Are you ready?’

‘Make my life easier.’

Zitao laughs, and cuts a large chunk of hair above Sehun’s ear. It falls onto Sehun’s shoulder; damp and jet black. Sehun twists it in his fingers as Zitao creates the base for the undercut. Sehun snaps from his trance when he hears Zitao turn on the electric razor.

‘If you fuck up, I swear to god..’

Zitao lays a hand on his shoulder. ‘You’ll kill me, I know. I won’t fuck up. I’ll make you look hot as fuck.’

Sehun clenches his teeth at the feeling of the razor against his skin. His neck feels itchy from the shaved hair. Zitao stays true to his word and is really careful, shaping Sehun’s sideburns and hairline with precise strokes. When he’s finished, he moves to cut and shape the upper layer of Sehun’s hair. By the time he reaches for the blow-dryer, Sehun’s ass and back are sore from sitting on the hard floor, but he feels somehow giddy with pent-up excitement. As soon as Zitao sprays some finishing product into the ends of his hair, Sehun is standing up and moving to the mirror.

The black hair is a big contrast against his pasty skin, but it doesn’t look bad. Sehun doesn’t remember what he looked like when his hair was black before he bleached it, but he feels like he grew into the look, now more mature than his old self. He runs a hand through his hair experimentally, messing it around, feeling the short hair of the undercut.

‘Do you like it?’ Zitao is glowing, a big smile plastered on his face as he watches Sehun. ‘It really suits you. Now you can look even cooler when wearing all black.’

Sehun smiles. ‘I love it. It feels more… settled. Permanent. You know what I mean?’

Zitao nods. ‘I get you.’

Even a small change like this can make a big difference in one’s life. Sehun feels like he’s invincible, like he can endure anything, be it heartbreak or his mother’s constant harassment. He just hopes this feeling stays.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ???????idk  
>  pls leave a comment or kudos, I'll try to get my shit together and actually write something worth reading lmao  
> until then~  
> I'm sorry for the weird spacing btw, idk why it's doing that, it's so uncomfortable to read like that TT  
> my [tumblr](http://dtagustd.tumblr.com/) and my [twitter](https://twitter.com/lizhythova) , come scream at me


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, I'm fairly quick with the update this time~  
> another filler chapter bc ugh why not  
> unbeta'd but I checked for typos, apologies if you still find some  
> anyways, enjoy~~  
> my [tumblr](http://dtagustd.tumblr.com/) and my [twitter](https://twitter.com/lizhythova) , come scream at me

 

The diathesis-stress model describes how genetic or biological factors interact with environmental stress, resulting in a disorder or condition. Specifically, it addresses an individual’s biological vulnerabilities or predispositions that can be triggered by stressful life events.

The diathesis-stress model describes how genetic or biological factors interact with environmental stress, resulting in a disorder or condition. Specifically, it addresses an individual’s biological vulnerabilities or predispositions that can be triggered by stressful life events.

_The diathesis-stress model describes how genetic or-_

_Fuck me._

‘Are you okay, Sehun-ah? You’ve been reading the same page for a while now.’

 Sehun flips the page of his textbook furiously, almost ripping it, and rests his forehead against the back of his hand. He’s sitting in the cafeteria with Jongdae and Minseok, Jongdae’s senior friend. He’s been trying hard to study for at least the past half an hour, but everything he reads just dissolves inside his preoccupied mind. It’s Thursday, almost two weeks after Jongdae’s party, and Sehun hasn’t met Jongin once. He doesn’t know whether to be glad for that or not, since he hasn’t been able to get Jongin off his mind.

 ‘I’m fine.’

 Sehun takes a sip from his coffee and uncaps a highlighter, colouring over the title of the page. He might as well use this textbook properly since he paid a shitload of money for it.

 ‘You’ve highlighted that part already.’, Jongdae says, looking over Sehun’s shoulder. He’s right; the title has already been coloured yellow, and the pink highlighter Sehun is using now creates a weird orange colour.

 Sehun sighs and closes the textbook. ‘Maybe I should stop.’

 Minseok nods. ‘Don’t study if you’re unfocused, it’s not going to help. This isn’t the ideal environment either…’

 ‘I forgot my library card.’

 Jongdae pats Sehun’s back comfortingly and steals his coffee when Sehun is busy cleaning up his stuff. Sehun nudges Jongdae’s shoulder and sends him a dirty look, taking the cup back before Jongdae even has the chance to have a drink. The older sighs and furrows his brows, turning to Minseok.

 ‘Look at this. Our maknae is growing up. He used to be all ‘hyung, hyung, do you want some of my food?’. Now he’s turned into a greedy little shit.’

 Minseok laughs and taps Sehun’s shin with his toe under the table. ‘Don’t take it personally, Sehun-ah.’

 ‘Yes, Minseok- _hyung._ ’, Sehun answers with an overly sweet smile, completely ignoring Jongdae.

 ‘Will you ever call _me_ hyung? I’m hurt, Sehun.’ Jongdae places a hand on his chest dramatically.

 ‘I will when you stop taking my things without permission. I don’t want your germs, thank you. Go buy your own coffee.’

 Jongdae glares, but then his expression transforms into a smirk. Sehun watches him with a raised eyebrow as he keeps grinning, crossing his legs under the table. Then, before Sehun can register it, Jongdae is reaching for the coffee cup and licking the lid before putting it back, cackling triumphantly.

 ‘Jongdae-hyung!’, Sehun whines, elbowing Jongdae hard in the ribs. Jongdae doubles over, catching himself on Minseok’s shoulder, but keeps laughing. Sehun lays his head on the table, cheek pillowed against his arm. ‘That was the only thing keeping me sane. You owe me 3,500 won.’

 ‘Don’t worry, Sehunnie, I’ll buy you a coffee next time.’

 Sehun groans, turning his head to look at Jongdae. ‘You can have that now.’ He pushes the cup away from him with a finger. Jongdae takes it, grinning as he takes his first victory sip.

 ‘This is so good!’

 Sehun sighs. ‘This is bullying.’

 ‘It wouldn’t happen if you just let me have some without being rude.’ Jongdae smacks the back of Sehun’s head lightly before drinking again. ‘Okay, I was lying, this coffee is shit. How can you drink th- _wait_.’

 Sehun raises his head. Jongdae is staring at something or someone, his face turning sour. Whatever he’s watching must’ve moved, because he turns his head slightly.

 ‘What, hyung?’

 ‘Is that…’ Jongdae raises a hand and points at his target. Sehun follows Jongdae’s finger, his eyes landing on a guy standing in line with bottled water and a sandwich. His head is hidden behind a price list, so Sehun inspects the rest of him. The guy is dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants, honestly looking like he just finished a workout. There’s really nothing special about him, so Sehun looks away, twisting a pen in his fingers idly.

 ‘Do you know him?’, he asks, tone bored and uninterested, as the pen slides from his hand and falls to the ground.

 ‘Yeah, I swear it’s..’

 Sehun bends down to look for his pen. It’s under the table, near Minseok’s foot. He crouches, crawling under the table to reach for it-

 ‘…Kim Jongin.’

 -and bangs his head against the hard wood as Jongdae utters those three syllables. He resurfaces, pen in hand, wincing and cradling his head.

‘Are you okay, Sehun-ah?’, Minseok asks sympathetically, offering Sehun his water bottle as a makeshift ice pack. Sehun takes it, pressing it to the crown of his head and burying his face in his arms, trying to make himself appear as small as possible. Not very effective, considering his height. ‘Anyway, what’s with that reaction?’

 Jongdae grins, and honestly, Sehun’s getting tired of that. ‘Well.’ He puts an arm around Sehun’s shoulders. ‘You see, Sehunnie here had a little adventure with Kim Jongin a couple of weeks ago…’

 ‘Shut the fuck up, not everyone has to know about this.’, Sehun hisses, elbowing Jongdae for a second time.

 Minseok leans forward, resting his chin in the palm of his hand, looking interested. ‘Oh?’

 ‘I will kill both of you.’, Sehun warns, desperately trying to turn his head to check if Jongin is still there, but Jongdae keeps him firmly in place.

 ‘So, story time-‘

 Sehun covers Jongdae’s mouth with a hand, effectively stopping him from talking. ‘I’m being serious, hyung. Can you respect my privacy for once? You, Baekhyun and Chanyeol know because you were primarily involved in what happened, but other people don’t need to know.’

 Jongdae’s expression softens, and he nods. Sehun drops his hand, staring at the table.

 ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it bothered you that much…’, Jongdae says guiltily.

 ‘ _I_ will tell Minseok-hyung if he wants to know. One day.’

 Minseok smiles softly. ‘It’s okay, Sehun-ah. I don’t need to know. And if you tell me, I can promise you to keep it a secret, unlike _someone_.’ He kicks Jongdae’s leg, hard, and Jongdae yelps.

 Sehun redirects his attention to checkout. Jongin has paid, and is putting his card away into his wallet. He looks up, and their eyes meet. Sehun feels like everything has stopped moving except for the two of them, similar to the night they spent together. He shudders under the intensity of Jongin’s gaze, but can’t take his eyes away. His breathing is getting faster and shallow, he feels like he can’t swallow, he can hear his pulse in his ears. These are the symptoms of the fight-or-flight response, and Sehun honestly can’t tell which one he’d rather do. He can’t think clearly. His eyes are becoming dry, so he blinks quickly a few times, trying hard to look away but being unable to do so. Jongin’s stare is unwavering, but Sehun registers the changes in his expression, how his face transforms from pleasantly surprised to confused to anxious, dreading. As if he’s been reminded of what he’s done. Maybe Sehun is being unreasonable. He still can’t get over the fact that Jongin accepted such a dare, but that he most likely didn’t think of his night with Sehun as a challenge, and that it might’ve been genuine. Because that’s the kind of person everyone makes him out to be- honest, caring. Heart made of gold.

 Sehun watches as Jongin’s lips form his name soundlessly, his expression too open and unguarded. He looks sad. Sehun breathes in sharply; there’s ringing in his ears again. He should be the only one who’s sad. He hasn’t realised that maybe the reality of their situation is affecting Jongin just as much as himself. That Jongin is willingly accepting the blame, taking the guilt.

 He can’t take this anymore. The hurt, but at the same time worried look on Jongin’s face is too much for him. It’s as if Jongin is hurting, and he’s hurting for Sehun as well. Sehun stands up, almost knocking his chair over, body moving on its own accord as he takes a tentative step away from the table, towards Jongin. Towards hope, towards the solution to his broken heart. Jongin’s body gives a small twitch as he sees Sehun walking to him, but remains standing, frozen in place. Sehun’s pace is slow but sure; he has to get his shit together and sort this out. He can’t waste any more sleep over this, and it has to end now. Even if he and Jongin don’t end up on good terms, Sehun will still walk away with a lighter heart. Depending on what Jongin has to say for himself.

 The distance between them is getting smaller and smaller, and Sehun feels panic rising inside of him; screaming, soaking into his mind and taking over his thoughts, disassembling them to chaos again, and he finds himself in the same state he was in when leaving Jongin’s car, and when Baekhyun told him about the bet. Full of uncertainty and insecurity.

 But then Jongin is hesitantly reaching a hand out, inviting and waiting. Sehun feels a tiny smile growing on his face, and begins to walk faster. He’s so close he can see the familiar twinkle in Jongin’s eyes, the way the artificial light reflects on his strawberry hair, the mischievous quirk of his smile. He starts extending his arm as well to take Jongin’s hand.

 

 And his phone rings.

 A special ringtone, the one he has set for one specific person.

 This woman seriously has the worst timing ever.

 Sehun stops in his tracks, and even takes a couple of steps back, creating a gap between himself and Jongin again, taking his phone out of his pocket and accepting the call, not missing the devastatingly confused look on Jongin’s face.

 ‘Yes, mother.’, he says, voice clipped, irritability seeping into his entire being. After he built up so much courage to talk to Jongin, the moment has to be ruined. And he can’t ever hang up on his mother. He’d be fucked big time if he did.

 ‘I’m waiting outside of your dorm building.’

 Well, shit.

 ‘Why?’

 ‘Do I have to have a reason? I haven’t seen my son in so long.’ Her voice is dripping with sweetness like honey, but Sehun knows it’s fake. It’s all fake. His college friends feel more like a family to him than his real family ever did.

 ‘You just interrupted something, can’t it wait?’

 ‘I’ve been waiting to see you for two months.’

 Sehun knows he can’t argue with his mother. He’s tried countless times, but she’s stronger-minded and even more stubborn than he is.

 He sighs, posture sagging in defeat. ‘I’ll be there in a moment.’

 His mother hums. ‘Sit at the back.’

 Sehun rolls his eyes, about the only thing he can do now that his mother won’t register, and hangs up. He casts one last look at Jongin, on the verge of bursting into tears because it was going so fucking well and now he’ll have to start all over again. Mouthing ‘sorry’, he turns on his heel and speed-walks back to the table, hurriedly taking his things.

 ‘Whoa, what happened?’, Jongdae asks.

 ‘I have to… my mother wants to see me.’ Sehun slings the strap of his backpack over his shoulder. ‘Please tell him… tell him I’m _sorry_ … and that… text me his number.’ He chokes on his breathing, panic overtaking his senses. He supports his weight against the chair to collect himself, willing for the tears to stop, but his cheeks are already wet.

 Jongdae and Minseok watch him with concern, and Jongdae reaches out to him, but Sehun turns around and starts walking to the entrance. From the corner of his eyes, he can see Jongin’s about to walk over to him, so he shakes his head, sniffling a bit as he dries his face with a tissue, and walks outside into the chilly afternoon air. He walks behind a corner and slides to the ground with his back against the wall. He still has a few minutes to spare, and he doesn’t want his mother to ask unnecessary questions. It’s funny how much control she has over him, and he knows he has to listen. There’s really no other choice. Only his closest friends know about his situation, so he trusts that Jongdae and Minseok will understand. His phone buzzes, and he checks it warily, but instead of his mother, it’s Jongdae. He smiles against his will and opens the text. It’s presumably Jongin’s number, with a message saying: _go sort ur shit out, and don’t let her win, she doesn’t deserve it. You better call him as soon as you’re done._

 Sehun saves the number, and stands up, breathing in and out deeply before heading to his dorm building. A sleek black car is parked right before the entrance. Sehun stops, tilting his head back and looking up, to the sky, watching the clouds pass by, covering the sun. He hopes for no fights today. He hopes his mother finally realised how unreasonable she’s being. He reaches the car and opens the door, putting on his poker face. Don’t show any emotion, don’t show you’re vulnerable, don’t let it get to you. He slides inside, sinking against the leather seat, placing his backpack on the floor between his feet, and closes the door, pulling the seatbelt across his torso and buckling it. He stares straight ahead, but he can see his mother out of the corner of his eye, watching him. She’s wearing one of her business outfits; the professional vibe the clothes are giving off is ruined by her short hair, messy and tousled, even though her make-up is perfect. It’s probably intentional. Sehun inwardly shakes his head. Just because his mother married a politician, she thinks she has to dress and act accordingly to it. He’s not even from the most popular party; Sehun wouldn’t know, he’s not interested in politics and hasn’t spoken to his step-father ever since his mother remarried.

 ‘Good afternoon, Sehun-ah.’, his mother greets, that fake-ass smile on her face again. Sehun wants to throw up.

 ‘Mhm.’

 He stares at his hands, restless in his lap, clenching into fists and unclenching, rubbing the fingers of one hand over knuckles of the other, his palms sticky with sweat.

 ‘You didn’t come from your dorm. Where were you?’

 ‘In the cafeteria.’

 His mother arches an eyebrow. ‘At this time of day? What were you doing there?’

  _Trying hard not to have a nervous breakdown._

‘I was hanging out with my friends… we were studying together.’

 She hums, and nods at the driver. Sehun rests his head against the window, closing his eyes. The car pulls out onto the road, the engine humming quietly.

 ‘Why did you want to see me?’, he asks.

 ‘Didn’t I tell you already? I haven’t seen you for so long… I’m worried about you.’

  _Sure you are._

The driver is too slow to avoid a hole in the road, and Sehun’s head slams against the window. He groans quietly, because this is the second time today, but to be completely honest, he’d rather repeatedly slam his head against any hard surface than talk to his mother. Who seems to not have noticed his injury. Instead, she’s scrolling through something on her phone.

 ‘Oh, by the way, you said something about me interrupting… what did I interrupt?’

  _Oh god no kill me._

Sehun sighs deeply. ‘Nothing. It’s nothing. It… wasn’t important.’ He bends one leg to rest his foot against the elevated surface in the middle of the floor. ‘Anyway, what are we doing today? Where are we going?’

 ‘We’re going home.’, his mother replies, looking up from her phone. ‘You spent almost all summer at your friends’ houses. You need to come home once in a while, Sehun-ah.’

 ‘Well, I haven’t had time since university started. I’ve been busy with assignments.’

 ‘I trust you haven’t told any of your friends the truth.’, she completely ignores his last remark. As she usually does; only ever thinks about herself. Well, if she wants to play this game, Sehun will have to play along.

 ‘The truth? About what?’, he asks, feigning confusion.

 His mother clicks his tongue and looks at him. ‘You know what I mean.’

 Sehun shakes his head. ‘No, I really don’t.’

 ‘But even though we said we’ll keep it a secret, you really should change your name.’

 ‘I’m never changing my name.’ Sehun directs his attention outside, to the houses passing by. It’s started raining, and it reminds him of the car ride from Jongin’s house. ‘Why would I? He’s not my real father.’

 ‘Oh Sehun!’

  _Oh, here we go_. ‘He isn’t my biological father, therefore he’s not my real father. I refuse to accept him as a part of this family. If I can still call that. You say you haven’t seen me for a long time and that I should visit home, but the dorm and my friends have felt more like home and family to me ever since you and dad got divorced. And you haven’t made any effort to contact me before today.’

 They’ve had this conversation countless times before. They’ve never involved Sehun’s step-father once. Not that he cares about Sehun much; surely he has more important things on his mind than _family_. And Sehun doesn’t want pity from anyone. He’s been forced to grow up and mature quickly because his parents started arguing when he was about fourteen, and finally got divorced two years later. Sehun still keeps in touch with his father, truthfully more often than he does with his mother. She’s tried to keep the whole remarriage a secret, not so much for her sake as for _him_. Officially, Sehun doesn’t exist. The media can’t know that such a famous politician has a step-son; a gay, problematic step-son at that. Even so, for some unknown reason, Sehun’s mother has been insisting that he changes his last name so they become an _official family._ It really makes no sense to him, so he’s been avoiding this topic as much as he could.

 ‘I’m not changing my name. This isn’t a family anymore. I don’t even care that you want to keep me in the dark. I’m upset with your wish to divorce dad when nothing was wrong.’ Sehun props his elbow against the window, resting his forehead in his hand. ‘I haven’t told my friends.’

 He has. Jongdae, Zitao, Baekhyun… everyone knows. He knows he can trust them to keep it a secret. No one is really interested in politics with the amount of work they have, but if the word got out, Sehun would be fucked. His mother would probably totally disown him. And his dad doesn’t get the ideal salary. Financial support from his parents is more important than emotional support. Not that there ever was any emotional support in the first place. At least not from his mother. She was strict, hard on him ever since he was a child, _all you have to do is study, study, study._ No playing with friends, no hobbies, no fun allowed. Only the academic part of your life is important. When Sehun applied for psychology, his mother wasn’t thrilled. When he applied for art as a major, even less so. He was to study law, or medicine, to become _someone_ , but to Sehun, that just seemed like a waste of time. He wasn’t the ideal student, with his short attention span and average grades. He wouldn’t make it. The last straw was when Sehun came out a week before he started university. He’s never heard his mother scream so much before, and she’s done a lot of screaming in her life. After a long and excruciating life lecture about how wrong his choice of lifestyle is, she kicked him out, slammed the front door in his face. His step-father wasn’t even home that day. Sehun didn’t cry. He was expecting this reaction. He spent the night over at Baekhyun’s house, and has been avoiding going home ever since. It’s not what happened that made him hate visiting home, it was the extent of which his mother showed her detest for Sehun. No parent should kick their child out of the house, and then still be entitled to call themselves a parent. Sehun has got over it, and now just feels cold indifference whenever he thinks or talks about it. He feels like it’s a good coping mechanism.

 ‘What have you been up to lately?’, his mother breaks the silence, still looking at her phone.

  _You should look at me when speaking to me._

 ‘Nothing much. Just work.’

  _I went to a party and slept with a stranger._

 ‘Have you found a girlfriend yet?’

 Here’s the thing- Sehun’s mother is in strong denial of him being gay. A gay son is probably the last thing she wanted to have, on top of all the other things he turned out to be. But Sehun is tired of all the pretending, so he continues this never-ending fight with his mother.

 ‘No. But I met a boy the other day, he was really nice.’

 His mother clicks his tongue again. ‘You should really start looking for someone now, Sehun-ah. You won’t have as much time the following two years, what with your dissertation. You know I want grandchildren soon.’

 Sehun gives a bitter laugh. ‘Unless me and my future _boyfriend_ find a surrogate or adopt, it’s not happening.’

 ‘Stop.’, his mother sighs.

  _Won this one._ Sehun smirks, turning to look out of the window again. The rest of the car ride is painfully quiet, but Sehun prefers it this way. He knows that his mother called him for a specific reason and that this conversation was just a prelude of what is to come once they get home.

 It’s not that Sehun forgot what their house looks like. But when they arrive, it seems so much bigger, and luxurious. Money wasted on useless things that supposedly make your life more comfortable. Sehun gets out first, not bothering to open the door for his mother and instead shooting a look to the driver, who smiles at Sehun sympathetically and walks to the other side of the car. Sehun’s mother steps out too, her high heels clicking against the stone pathway as she walks to the front door. He follows her inside the house, toeing his sneakers off and leaving them in the hallway before he heads to the living room. A soft pitter-patter of paws against the wooden floor catches his attention, followed by a vicious attack on his leg. Sehun smiles and picks the puppy chewing on his jeans up, settling it against his chest carefully. The dog licks at his face, yipping excitedly as it squirms in Sehun’s hold.

 ‘See?’, his mother sounds from across the room where she’s inspecting the drink selection. ‘I’ve been taking care of it.’

 ‘It’s not _it_ , it’s _him._ ’ Sehun scratches the puppy’s head, lowering himself down onto the sofa. ‘And I bet it wasn’t you, but the butler. How have you been, Vivi? Are you excited to see me?’, he turns his full attention to the dog, cuddling him in his arms as he gets comfortable. Vivi continues barking and sniffing at Sehun’s hands and face, seemingly very happy about the reunion.

 The No Pets Allowed rule in the dorms is really stupid, in Sehun’s opinion. His dog is about the only thing he can get excited about when returning home. During the summer after his first year at university, Sehun spent most of the time at Baekhyun’s, Chanyeol’s and Jongdae’s houses, and Vivi was more than welcome to stay with him. He’s told the family butler to send him daily pictures of the puppy to see if it’s okay and healthy.

 ‘Why am I here?’, he asks, looking up at his mother who has moved to stand by the sofa. She sits down on an armchair opposite, leaning forward and watching him. Vivi curls up on his lap, head resting on his knee as Sehun absent-mindedly pets him.

 His mother reaches for her bag and takes out a white A4 envelope, laying it on the coffee table. Sehun raises an eyebrow, but stays silent, wordlessly staring at her.

 She sighs, for what seems like the millionth time today, and hands the folder to Sehun. He takes it, but doesn’t open it.

 ‘Sehun-ah. Stop being so difficult.’

 ‘I won’t open it unless you tell me what it is.’

 She leans even closer, resting her elbows on his knees, hair in her face. Like this, she looks worn-out, tired of her life; but then again, this is the life she chose for herself.

 ‘Me and your fa- step-father want to send you to America.’

 Interesting.

 ‘What?’

 ‘Stop studying psychology, Sehun-ah. You’re intelligent enough to get a law degree.’ Her voice is pleading. ‘It’s not too late.’

 ‘Do you know how bad it would look if I just dropped out? I’ll finish university in three years. Do you know how more time I’d have to dedicate to something like that?’

 ‘Sehun-ah.’ She leans back in the seat and crosses her arms over her chest. ‘Let’s negotiate. Don’t be so narrow-minded.’

 Sehun readjusts Vivi on his lap so he can cross his legs. ‘We’ve discussed this many times before. I don’t know why you’re still trying. I like psychology, I will finish my course, I will get a degree in psychology because it’s something I choose to do for myself.’

 ‘It’s not going to get you anywhere.’

 ‘I don’t have the language skills to study in America. And I bet you don’t want to pay any more money for my sake than you already are. It’s not happening.’

 His mother looks away, briefly, at the ceiling, before standing and walking to the sofa to sit next to him. She grabs him by the elbow, gently, and looks at him. She’s too close. Sehun wants to shift away, but he can’t. Vivi stops yipping and raises his head.

 ‘Look. If you go to America and get a law degree, we can put all our misunderstandings behind us. Your step-father will be proud of you. You could be who you want to be. You could date whoever you want. Please, do this for me.’

 Sehun looks away, ducking his head to stare at the carpet. She hasn’t pulled anything like this before. He almost wants to laugh, because as if his mother is going to stop him from dating who he wants even now.

 ‘Ah.’ He folds a leg underneath himself, shifting his weight. ‘So you’ll behave like a mother should once I’m successful? Once I get the degree and job you always wanted me to have? I’m not like this to rebel against you, mom. I can’t help myself. It’s just who I am, and I can’t change it.’ Vivi stands on his hind legs, balancing himself on Sehun’s thighs as he leans his paw on Sehun’s chest, sniffing at his T-shirt. ‘And it’s the same with university. I’m taking psychology because I enjoy learning about it. I didn’t just take this course for nothing, and this is my second year already. I don’t want to drop out, it would be a waste of all the effort I put into it already.’

 His mother nods slowly, releasing her hold on Sehun’s arm and tapping a finger against her lips. Finally, she sighs deeply and clears her throat. ‘So I can’t persuade you, then? I thought it would finally work this time if I gave you more freedom, but I guess you don’t need it. You grew up well, Sehun-ah. You’ve become so well-spoken.’

 Sehun lays the envelope back on the table and deflates with relief. It’s over. He’s won this time. ‘What’s in that envelope?’, he asks warily, pointing at the envelope in his chin.

 ‘A scholarship offer at Harvard.’ His mother picks it up and rips the envelope open, pulling out a letter. She folds it in half, as if to rip it, but then her hands fall into her lap. ‘I’ll give it to you. Think about it. You’ve probably made your decision already, but think about it.’

 ‘Are you angry at me?’

 She looks at him, tired and defeated, but not angry. Shaking her head, she stands up slowly, and walks to the small bar. ‘I should’ve known that after all these years, you wouldn’t listen to me. It’s okay though, sometimes it was for the better when you didn’t do as I said. You’re an adult now, it’s for the best if you make your own decisions about your life.’

 A hint of a smile appears on Sehun’s face, and he nods. ‘Thank you. I was kind of waiting to hear that.’

 She turns around, leaning against the counter, and looks at Sehun, also smiling softly. ‘I love you, Sehun-ah. I really do. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to show it for the past 19 years of your life. I’m sorry that I forced you to spend your childhood in your room, hunched over books. I’m sorry I kicked you out because of who you love. And I’m sorry that I ruined this family.’

 Her head falls into her hands and she pulls at her hair. She’s not crying but her voice sounds like she is. The glass she’s holding is shaking in her hand, clanking against her rings. Sehun gently pushes Vivi aside and stands up, making his way over to her. He stands next to her, laying a hand on her shoulder hesitantly. His mother has always been very cold and indifferent when it came to him, so this was unexpected. He strokes her hair gently, quiet as she takes his face into her hands, thumbs grazing his cheeks tenderly. Her eyes are dry, but her face is broken, distressed and full of regret. Sehun leans his head back, uncomfortable, and her hands fall onto his shoulders, squeezing lightly.  It’s as if their roles are reversed; he’s the apathetic one and she’s the one suffering. He shakes her off and returns to his previous spot, giving Vivi a last kiss between the eyes before grabbing his bag.

 ‘Where are you going?’, his mother looks over her shoulder, confused.

 ‘I need… I can’t do this. I can’t just suddenly act differently because of what you said. I accept your apology, but… I need time. So, bye. I’ll come visit. Take care of Vivi.’

 He hurriedly walks to the hallway, not waiting for a response as he puts on his shoes and shakes his head at the driver who starts to open the car door. A walk will do him good now. He puts in his earphones and starts walking back to his dorm, his mind, as always, preoccupied with endless thoughts; what he could’ve said, what he shouldn’t have said, and what his mother said. How to deal with it. Only when he’s three blocks down does he remember the folded letter on the coffee table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> idk what i'm doing I'm stressed af and I love Sehun  
> dedicated to my best friend as always, you rock  
> pls leave a comment/ kudos if you enjoyed this chapter, and see you next time~


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *updates after 15264313 years*  
> I'M SO SORRY I HAVE SO MUCH SCHOOL WORK AND I'M SUPER TIRED  
> anyways, I left this untouched for like a month and then I wrote 7 pages in 2 days lmaoo  
> i have no idea what I'm doing  
> there also must be a lot of repetition so I'm sorry for that, also apologies for any typos  
> enjoy~

 In the chaos and stress that Sehun’s life is constantly exposed to, he doesn’t call Jongin on the walk from his parents’ house. He doesn’t call Jongin the following day, or the day after that. In fact, he completely forgets that Jongdae had given him the number, and he hasn’t thought about Jongin at all since their unfortunate meeting in the cafeteria. Truthfully, he feels a bit guilty, because Jongin is probably waiting for Sehun to decide whether he wants to cut all ties with him or not. Even if Jongdae assured him multiple times he didn’t tell Jongin that he gave Sehun the number, Sehun still feels like he should make the first move. It would benefit both of them. Jongin probably has a lot of his shit to deal with, or maybe he just feels too responsible and is terrified of approaching Sehun.

 So, when Sehun runs into Jongin the following Friday, it’s completely coincidental and unplanned. Sehun was not ready at all; what with it being Friday, the most shit day of his week. His evening classes finish at 7 p.m.; after that, Sehun just runs back to his dorm so he can get into bed as quickly as he can and not think about all the coursework he has to do. He’s walking out of class on one of these Friday evenings, glasses askew on his face and bangs in a small ponytail, dressed in an old hoodie and joggers because honestly, he just can’t be bothered. Of course, just as he walks into the main hallway, staring straight ahead with an extremely pissed expression that he claims is just his face and he can’t help it, of _course_ Jongin has to appear, talking to some other guy, both walking in Sehun’s direction.

 Sehun stops in his tracks, the grip he has on his textbooks loosening; people are still moving, creating a gap around him, but he can’t bring himself to do anything but to stand there, frozen, staring at Jongin. He looks strikingly beautiful even at this time of day, dressed in a shirt, slacks and a coat reaching his knees, soft strawberry bangs falling into his eyes that crinkle with laughter at something the other said. Sehun feels his insides surging with too many emotions at once; his throat closes up, he feels like he can’t breathe. His world turns upside down as Jongin continues walking past him, waving his hands animatedly as he tells a story, his melodic and cheery voice carrying through the entire hallway, bouncing off the walls, echoing in Sehun’s ears, vibrating in his brain, disrupting the white noise he hears. His eyes water as he desperately tries to breathe in, but his lungs just won’t cooperate; they feel like they’re made of stone, of metal, he can’t get them to regain their function. Staggering to the side so he’s no longer in the middle of the hallway, Sehun collapses hard against the wall, sinking down to his knees, fingers closing around his throat, fisting into and tugging at his hoodie, trying to breathe, breathe, _breathe-_

 ‘Sehun?’

 Sehun’s body flinches hard at the sound of Jongin’s voice so close near him. He can’t turn around even when he feels a hesitant hand on his shoulder, still focusing on his breathing. He hasn’t had a panic attack for so long he forgot what it feels like. There are tears streaming down his cheeks, he can feel them, hot against his skin. His hands are cold, he feels cold overall; shivering, he pulls the hood over his head, trying to make himself disappear. He opens his eyes slowly, the sharp artificial light too bright, making him squint. He’s staring at the floor, at his textbooks scattered across it; he didn’t even notice dropping them. Jongin’s hand is still on his shoulder, thumb rubbing back and forth slowly, and it’s funny how comforting it is. Sehun finally moves, sitting with his back against the wall as he crosses his legs, sinking into himself. He doesn’t know how much time has passed. Jongin is squatting in front of him, withdrawing his hand slowly, watching Sehun with an unreadable expression. Worry is most noticeable in his eyes. Worry and guilt. He thinks this is his fault.

 ‘Are you okay?’, is, of course, the first thing he asks, that annoying concern in his voice.

 Sehun sighs, pulling the hood down from his head and tugging the hair tie from his hair, shaking it free. Jongin’s eyes follow the movement, and he stares, almost mesmerised, at Sehun’s dark hair. His hand is twitching at his side.

 ‘You dyed your hair.’, he says quietly.

 Sehun clears his throat. ‘Yes.’

 ‘It looks… you look good.’ Jongin moves so that he’s sitting too. His knee is touching Sehun’s lightly.

 ‘You do too.’ _You always do._

 Jongin leans forward, eyes roaming over Sehun’s face. He smiles, and Sehun wants to dip his fingers into Jongin’s dimples.

 ‘You look cute with glasses.’, is what Jongin says next, and Sehun can literally feel his face combust into flames. That’s how hot his cheeks feel.

 Sehun doesn’t reply and reaches for his textbooks and notes. Jongin is quick to help him and picks up the thickest book, scanning the cover, eyebrows lifting in interest, before handing it to Sehun.

 ‘You take chemistry?’

 Sehun frowns. ‘Yes. You didn’t know?’

 ‘No, I don’t think we talked about this. I thought you only took psychology…’ Jongin purses his lips in thought.

 ‘Yes, that’s my major. Chemistry is just an extra course for this year.’

 Jongin nods, putting a last paper on the stack he’s collected, tucking the notes under his arm and standing up. He extends a hand, and Sehun hesitantly takes it. He’s yanked up, nearly dropping all of his things again, and leans against the wall to support his weight as he puts his books away into his backpack.

 ‘Look.’, he starts, not lifting his head as he sorts his things. ‘We need to talk.’

 He hears Jongin hum and zips his backpack. He looks at Jongin; he’s watching him with a steady gaze, kind eyes, soft expression.

 ‘Yes, we do.’ Jongin taps the tip of his shoe against the floor. His eyes wander to Sehun’s hair again. Sehun wants to laugh.

 ‘Do you have a problem with my hair?’

 Jongin’s eyes widen. ‘No! I just… I’m not used to it. It’s such a big change. You look more… edgy. And sharp. With light hair, you looked softer.’ He coughs. ‘You still look handsome, of course. Just in a different way.’

 Sehun pushes himself off the wall and starts walking slowly, a tiny smile on his lips. Jongin hurries to catch up. ‘Do you have a preference?’

 Jongin hums again. ‘I think you’re the kind of person that looks good with any hair colour, so no. I like you either way.’

 Sehun clears his throat again. He’s getting off track. _They’re_ getting off track. Instead of sorting out _the_ night, and arguing about it, even, Jongin is complimenting Sehun, again, and Sehun is falling hard, again.

 They walk in silence; Sehun stares ahead and Jongin is probably staring at him, humming a song quietly. Sehun thinks it’s cute, but doesn’t really want to admit it. Not before they talk. It’s dark outside, and _cold_. Sehun pulls the hood over his head again, shoving his hands under his armpits before they freeze. Jongin wordlessly takes one of Sehun’s hands and pushes it into his coat pocket, rubbing his thumb over the knuckles gently. Sehun wants to pull away, but the warmth is welcome and the gesture itself is very charming, so he resolves in stuffing his other hand into the pocket of his hoodie.

 ‘Where do you wanna go?’, Jongin asks, slowing his pace. Sehun stops completely. Baekhyun is in their room, probably with Chanyeol, so that’s out of the question. He doesn’t want to ask Jongin to drive all the way to his house either.

 ‘McDonald’s? I’m hungry.’

 Jongin scoffs. ‘How old are you? Let’s go get real food.’

 He starts pulling Sehun towards the car park, making him trip and stumble multiple times before he finally regains his composure.

 ‘Wait, Jongin.’

 Jongin stops in front of his car, keys in hand, finger on the ‘unlock’ button. Sehun doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into.

 ‘Can we… go somewhere quiet? To talk?’

 Jongin’s face softens, and he smiles again, unlocking the car. He opens the passenger door for Sehun, and shields Sehun’s head when he’s getting in. _How is this guy still single_ , Sehun thinks, getting comfortable in the seat, placing his backpack between his bent legs. This vaguely reminds him of the meeting with his mother. An uncomfortable feeling sets in his stomach; anxiety, panic. His leg begins to shake before he can even stop it. Be it his mother or not, he’s at a loss of what to do next. He’s not really prepared to talk. He doesn’t know what to say to Jongin, doesn’t know how to respond to Jongin’s arguments. He bites his bottom lip, staring at his hands, fingers clenched in the fabric of his sweatpants. Jongin gets in the car too, turning the engine on and putting his seatbelt on.

 The car is running but they’re still in the parking lot when Sehun raises his head again. He feels Jongin’s stare on him, but doesn’t turn to look, instead toying with the string of his hoodie idly. Bending his knees to fit his long legs into the cramped space, he shifts in the seat, leaning his head against the headrest. He finally steals a look at Jongin, who’s smiling softly, hands resting on the steering wheel comfortably, reaching to the space between the two of them to turn the heating on.

 ‘Are you ready to go?’, Jongin asks quietly. ‘Are you cold?’

 Sehun shakes his head. ‘I’m fine. Where are we going?’

 Jongin’s eyes twinkle. ‘It’s a surprise.’

 Sehun sighs, but can’t stop the corners of his mouth from curling into a small smile too. ‘Let’s go, then.’

 Jongin smoothly pulls out of the parking lot, making his way through the university’s campus. Sehun learns, for the second time, that Jongin is a careful driver; efficient, his grip on the steering wheel steady, sharp, calculating eyes always fixed on the road and only looking away while waiting at the traffic light. Most often, Jongin glances at Sehun. As if to ensure that he’s still there, that he’s okay, that he’s content with the silence. And Sehun is. He relaxes completely, the sound of the traffic and Jongin’s breathing combined with the comfortable warmth is making him sleepy. He snuggles into his hoodie, folding his legs so that his feet are hanging off the edge of the seat, leaning his knees against the door. His eyes are half-closed and he’s dozing away when he registers that they’re driving onto the highway.

 ‘Where are you taking me?’, he mumbles, blinking against the harsh lights of the cars passing them in the opposite direction.

 ‘It’s a surprise.’, Jongin repeats and Sehun can hear the ever-present smile in Jongin’s face. ‘Do you want to sleep? I was gonna put some music on.’

 Sehun hums, closing his eyes. ‘You can. Wake me up when we’re there.’

 He hears Jongin shift the lever, and moments later, gentle, instrumental music fills the car. Sehun usually can’t fall asleep with music on, but this time, it lulls him to sleep gradually, soothing his ears, mind, and heart. His attention eventually wanders from the music, now only serving as background noise as countless thoughts erupt in his mind; chaos turning into order, anxiety turning into serenity. He visibly calms down, and with mind at peace, he falls into a light slumber.

 Sehun really doesn’t remember much of the journey. Unlike the last time he and Jongin were in the car together, he’s not conscious at all, and Jongin is keeping his hands to himself. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, or if Jongin stopped somewhere along the way. He’s falling in and out of sleep, dozing lightly or in a half-conscious state. Then, Jongin is gently shaking him awake, and Sehun opens his eyes blearily, stretching his legs as far as they can go. The clock reads 9:24 p.m. in bright red; they’re been driving for a while. It’s pitch black outside, but Sehun can just make out the outline of a promenade, illuminated dimly by streetlights.

 ‘What the… are we at the beach? Did you drive all the way to the beach to talk about a one-night stand?’

 Jongin nudges Sehun with his elbow softly, all smiles and crinkly eyes. ‘Hey! I also brought food.’

 ‘What?’

 Sehun rubs at his eyes, trying to suppress a yawn. He fails, and nearly rips his jaw in half, covering his mouth with the back of his hand.

 ‘Cute.’, Jongin comments. ‘Anyway, I stopped along the way to get food. I got ddeokbokki, some fishcakes, and chicken skewers. What do you want?’

 ‘What is that, gas station food? We can just share everything.’ A chill runs down Sehun’s spine suddenly, and he shivers. ‘Are we going outside, by the way? Because I don’t fuck with the cold.’

 Jongin laughs. ‘I have a hot water bottle, some blankets and a parka in the trunk. I’m prepared for the worst.’

 ‘Can I have that parka now?’, Sehun sighs, breathing inside the collar of his hoodie to warm himself up. The heating in the car is turned off, and he can already feel the chilly night air even through closed doors.

 Jongin gets out of the car. Sehun watches him through the rear-view mirror as he opens the trunk and rummages through the things there before throwing a thick black parka with fur inside and lining the hood at Sehun. He catches it and puts it on hurriedly, zipping it up. His legs are freezing when he opens the door, but his torso doesn’t feel cold at all, so he does a few little jumps to get his blood flowing. Jongin tucks the blankets under his arm and grabs plastic bags filled with what is presumably and hopefully food, closing the trunk and locking the car. Sehun joins his side and they walk along the wooden path in pale white sand, illuminated gently by the moon.

 ‘I’ve never been to the beach at night.’, Sehun murmurs.

 Jongin hums. ‘It’s beautiful, right?’

 ‘It is. Thank you for bringing me here.’

 Jongin bumps his shoulder against Sehun’s gently, smiling while looking ahead. Sehun hides his own, countless smile in the fur of the parka. Their shoes bury into the sand as they reach the beach, and Sehun loses his balance while stepping into sand that’s too fine, grabbing Jongin’s arm for support. Jongin stands still as Sehun steadies himself, silently reassuring himself that everything is okay. Sehun nods and keeps walking at a slow pace, turning to look around his surroundings. The distant humming of the sea is comforting, as is the gentle breeze ruffling the fur of the parka. Jongin spreads the blankets on top of the sand and settles down, beginning to unpack the food. He looks up at Sehun expectantly, patting the space next to him.

 Sehun loses the smile on his face. There’s a lump forming in his throat, and he can’t swallow around it. He walks over to Jongin and sits down, crossing his legs and nervously picking at a loose thread on his joggers. Jongin must’ve noticed his distress because he opens one of the polystyrene boxes and drops it into Sehun’s lap along with a plastic fork.

 ‘Eat. We’ll talk later.’

 Sehun sighs and picks up a piece of rice cake, bringing it to his mouth and nibbling at it. It’s overcooked and too soft, but the sauce it’s covered in isn’t that bad, so Sehun eventually shoves the whole thing into his mouth, trying to get over the texture while chewing. He watches as Jongin picks up a chicken skewer and tilts his head to eat it, sliding a piece of meat off the wooden stick with his teeth. They eat in silence, chasing down the food with chocolate milk that Jongin bought, and Sehun gets increasingly more and more nervous as the food gradually disappears. When he finishes, he wipes the red sauce from his lips with a napkin and closes the box, placing it next to him. Stretching out his legs and then bending them, placing his feet on the blanket before thinking better of it and toeing off his shoes, he lies down, hands coming to rest on his stomach as he relaxes, staring up at the sky. There’s no clouds today, and the stars have never been brighter. Sehun smiles softly at recognizing some constellations his dad showed him when he was younger. The moon is full, a big, radiant orb, reflecting in the stormy sea. Sehun shifts so he can watch the waves move, crash against the sand and then retracting back. He turns his head to find Jongin gazing up at the sky, the wind gently ruffling his hair, the moon creating a soft ethereal glow on his face.

 ‘Jongin.’, Sehun whispers and Jongin’s head turns to look at him. ‘Let’s talk. I can’t take this any longer.’

 Jongin’s expression hardens, but he hums in agreement, stretching out to lay next to Sehun. Both of them stare up, silent. Sehun sighs; he had a feeling he’d had to start.

 ‘Did you or did you not sleep with me as a dare?’

 His voice sounds loud although it’s merely a quiet murmur. Jongin shifts to lie on his side. He doesn’t look angry. In fact, his face is completely blank.

 ‘How would that change our relationship if I did?’

 ‘There is _not_ a relationship between us. It doesn’t exist. Yet. You know…’ Sehun laughs, lifting an arm and hiding his face in the crook of his elbow. ‘At first I was going to ask you out. Eventually. But before I could get my head around what really happened, and what happened to my feelings, Baekhyun told me about the dare _you_ made with them at the party. At first I believed him. That made me think that everything you did leading up to you taking me home was an act, as was what you said the morning after. When you let me treat your bloody nose, when you kissed me first. And then when you called me beautiful and asked me so many questions. I thought that that was all fake. And I’ve never felt more insignificant. And then, all these thoughts I had just disappeared and the only thing I felt was indifference. Even though I thought about all the possible future moments I would share with you. I told myself that you don’t _deserve_ to spend time with me. I only saw it from this point of view, but then Baekhyun told me that even if you were dared, you didn’t think of it when you were with me. That’s what changed my opinion, and that’s what I believed up until now. So…’ Sehun twists his head to the side. Jongin is watching him. Listening intently. ‘So please tell me that that’s true. That you didn’t play me. That everything you did was _genuine_. But please don’t lie to me.’

 Sehun feels a hand on his hip, turning his body over until he’s also laying on his side, fully facing Jongin. Jongin retracts his hand but places it between them, effectively invading Sehun’s personal space. Sehun shrinks into himself, curling into a ball, resting his head on his bent arm. Jongin smiles, looking straight into Sehun’s eyes.

 ‘I admit that I was drunk that night. But so were you. I admit that Baekhyun, Jongdae and I were playing truth and dare, and that they dared me to sleep with a guy. The thing is, I didn’t accept the dare. I think I said something along the lines of ‘sure, whatever’. When I left the house and when I talked to you, when I kissed you and took you to my house; I didn’t do any of that with the dare in mind. You have to understand, Sehun, that not everyone is an asshole. I can assume that you’ve had some bad experiences in your life based on what you told me, but to me, sleeping with someone because of a dare or a bet seems like a really horrible thing to do to someone.’

 Sehun blinks and looks away, turning onto his back again. He hides his face in his hands.

 ‘So, I can promise you that everything I did and said was indeed genuine and that I meant it whole-heartedly. Every little thing.’

 ‘Everything?’ Sehun’s voice is choked, a whimper, unsure, doubtful.

 ‘Everything.’

 Sehun spreads his fingers to find Jongin sitting up, gazing down at him, the smile still on his face. He sighs heavily, and feels like a stone has been lifted off his chest. Dropping his hands from his face to the ground, he slowly sits up too, ducking his head to avoid Jongin’s stare although he doesn’t want to look away.

 ‘I’m really sorry.’, he begins unsteadily. ‘I always jump to conclusions. It’s just who I am. I’m always being really unreasonable. I know you’re a good guy, Jongin, and that you’d never do anything like that. But I’ve pitied myself for so long that a part of me just wanted to believe it. I always see the worst possible outcome of things. But, when we met at the cafeteria, I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a joke, I wanted to convince myself that I’m worth something. I really wanted to talk to you then, but I had to go because of family matters. I’m sorry it took me so long to gather enough courage to talk to you.’

 His last words nearly get swallowed up by the sounds of the raging sea; his voice is so quiet, almost a whisper. He’s still staring at the ground, running his fingers through the sand, when he feels a soft touch on his chin. Jongin tilts his head up with gentle force, and Sehun bites his bottom lip. He wills himself not to cry. Jongin’s thumb rubs small circles on Sehun’s cheek as his hand shifts to cup Sehun’s jaw tenderly, as if Sehun is going to break.

 ‘It’s okay.’, Jongin whispers soothingly. ‘We all make mistakes. I don’t blame you for thinking that way, I think anyone would’ve done it. I wanted to talk to you too, but Baekhyun told me that he told you, and that he told you to make the first move. I didn’t want to make it worse; now I realise how stupid that was. So we’re both at fault.’

 Sehun nods, lowering his gaze and he feels the familiar prick in his eyes. ‘Can I hug you?’, he asks, voice so quiet it’s almost inaudible, but Jongin still scoots closer and wraps his arms around Sehun, cheek resting against Sehun’s head. Sehun melts into the embrace, burrowing his face into Jongin’s neck, arms loosely enfolded around Jongin’s sides. Sehun increasingly leans more and more of his weight against Jongin until their bodies tip over and collapse to the ground. Jongin’s grip on him is strong and comforting, and Sehun closes his eyes, shifting slightly so he’s not lying on top of Jongin completely.

 ‘I’m sorry.’, he whispers against the column of Jongin’s neck.

 ‘Shh.’

 Jongin’s hand sneaks under the hood of the parka to stroke Sehun’s hair. Sehun coughs, savouring them moment for a little bit longer before untangling himself from Jongin’s embrace, moving away.

 ‘This is too intimate, for where we are now.’, he explains himself.

 Jongin chuckles, pillowing his head on his elbow. ‘We had sex.’

 ‘That may be true, but we don’t know anything about each other. We need to work on that first. If you… want more of the sex.’

 Jongin’s laugh is loud, carried by the wind. ‘Do you?’

 Sehun sighs. ‘That’s not the point! I mean, I do, but… this isn’t how relationships work, Jongin. Have you never been in one?’

 ‘Not one that started with a one-night stand, no. I mean, we could just be friends with benefits if it’s the sex you’re after.’

 Sehun glares. ‘I will throw sand into your eyes. I really want this to work, because even if I don’t want to admit it, I like you.’

 ‘Didn’t you say that you don’t want to get attached, or develop feelings?’

 ‘Do you have our whole conversation recorded? People change.’

 Jongin’s expression turns serious.

 ‘I don’t want to hurt you, Sehun. Our relationship, or lack thereof, started off badly. You clearly said that you want to be just friends and that you don’t want either of us to get attached.’

 ‘Jongin-‘ Sehun sighs, head lolling back. ‘I’ve done a lot of thinking during my time of moping. I might be confused about what I want, but I just have this feeling that… if I don’t get over myself and my past now, it will never happen. I don’t want to hurt you either. But like I said, I like you, and, correct me if I’m wrong, you like me too.’

 Jongin hums.

 ‘So what’s the problem? I’m very aware that I might end up getting hurt, but honestly, I’ve been betrayed by so many people in my life that one more won’t kill me. And if I hurt you, you’re welcome to take any form of revenge possible.’

 He hears Jongin laugh again, and looks at him again.

 ‘Isn’t it funny how you have to know some people or years in order for your relationship to progress, but with others, you just click instantly? That’s our case. But we can’t just launch straight into it. You really want this, don’t you?’ Jongin taps the tip of his finger against Sehun’s knee. ‘You’re so determined.’

 ‘Yes.’

 Jongin shifts to lean on his elbows to get up again. He crosses his legs, leaning his body forward. It reminds Sehun of earlier in the corridor.

 ‘But like you said…’, Sehun continues, his voice a murmur. ‘… we can’t just start dating. We need to establish some rules for this to work, like a timeline, or something. Until we figure that out, let’s act as friends. Let’s not cross the boundaries. Otherwise we’d be moving too quickly.’

 Jongin nods. ‘Let’s start over.’

 Sehun smiles, the first full smile in a long time. His cheeks hurt from the stretch, but he can’t help it. And the way Jongin is staring at him and smiling back with such fondness is making him smile even more.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ??? was it oka?y??  
>  idkkk well at least now the main conflict it over and i know where i'm going with this okay cool  
> if you liked it, please leave kudos or give me feedback, i would really appreciate it  
> my [tumblr](http://dtagustd.tumblr.com/) and my [twitter](https://twitter.com/lizhythova) , come scream at me  
> see you in a month probably loool (no i'll have time to write at Christmas)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello  
> i'm so sorry for being inactive for so long i lost the will to live but thankfully i'm back now and things should be moving more smoothly  
> so here's another chapter, a bit shorter, some relationship progress for you  
> i love sekai i want them to do everything aegrgbgfdgvvd  
> unbeta'd so sorry for typos  
> dedicated to my best friend, you're awesome <3  
> my [tumblr](http://dtagustd.tumblr.com/) and my [twitter](https://twitter.com/lizhythova) , come scream at me

 They made a deal. Well, they made a series of deals. They agreed that they’d wait at least until New Year’s Eve to go on a date, and use that time to get to know each other better. No intimacy, and very limited physical contact – hugs and pats on the back allowed. No holding hands, no kissing, and nothing beyond that. Sehun thought that this would be quite easy; he’s busy and so is Jongin, they’d rarely be seeing each other.

 Well, he was wrong.

 Jongin has been inviting him to his house for either study sessions or movie nights, so Sehun has met his family. They’ve spent a couple of afternoons in Sehun’s room, alone. Not touching Jongin has become an increasingly difficult task for him; not in a sexual way, just to brush hair from his forehead, to lean against him on the couch, to lay his head on his shoulder, to warm his hands up for him when they’re outside. Sometimes, Sehun almost does some of these things, but catches himself before he does, retracting his hand back, leaning away, avoiding Jongin’s gaze with a barely suppressed sigh. Thankfully, Jongin doesn’t seem to notice, but Sehun feels like he’s about to go crazy; they’ve practically become attached to the hip, and there’s rarely been a day when they haven’t seen each other, managing to find time to hang out despite their busy schedules.

 A week has passed since they made up. It’s Saturday morning, barely 10 a.m., but Sehun is already cluttering around the shared kitchen, strangely hyper from stress and lack of sleep. He’s in the middle of taking things out of the fridge when his phone vibrates in the back pocket of his jeans. He jumps, surprised from the sound of his ringtone that disrupts the peaceful morning atmosphere. The three or so cups of coffee he had earlier didn’t really help to calm the super alert state he’s in. And his racing heart doesn’t slow down when he sees Jongin’s name on the screen.

 ‘Hello?’, he mumbles into the receiver, leaning against the counter.

 ‘You’re awake?’ Jongin’s laugh is breathy, and Sehun smiles unconsciously. ‘Wow, I didn’t think you’d actually pick up.’

 ‘I could say the same thing about you. What are you doing up so early?’

 ‘Went for a run. Then realised I have a paper to do. Can I come over?’

 Sehun panics. His and Baekhyun’s room is in a horrible state. Other people will probably be coming into the kitchen to make breakfast in a while. _So inconvenient-_

 ‘Sehun? Is this a bad time?’ Jongin sounds worried. He usually is. Whenever Sehun isn’t smiling or when he shows less interest than usual in things, Jongin is always making sure that he’s okay.

 ‘I’m fine.’, Sehun reassures him quickly. ‘It’s just that my room is really messy. I’m in the kitchen right now, so you could stay here, but it’s shared so you wouldn’t get any work done…’

 Jongin scoffs. ‘When is your room not messy? I’m getting in the car now.’

 Sehun sighs. ‘Alright. Call me when you’re here so I can go open the door for you.’

 ‘Thank you.’ Jongin’s voice turns cheery again, and Sehun relaxes. ‘Go clean your room in the meantime if you think it’s that bad.’

 ‘Can’t. Waiting for the oven to preheat.’ Sehun glances over to the oven; the little orange light is still on. ‘Have you had breakfast yet?’

 ‘Not really. What are you making?’

 ‘I’m stress-baking apple tarts, but since I’m here, I can make something for you. Do you want coffee?’

 He hears Jongin give an affirmative hum. ‘Two sugars and no milk.’

 Sehun turns the coffee machine on, and opens the fridge again, staring into it. ‘Are you allergic to anything?’

 ‘No, but I don’t like honey on things.’

 Sehun gasps dramatically, and then laughs at the stupidity of his actions. ‘What? Are you kidding me? Have you never had bread with butter and honey?’

 ‘I have, and I hated it.’

 ‘You’re so high-maintenance.’, Sehun clicks his tongue.

 ‘It’s only one thing I don’t like!’, Jongin defends himself. ‘I have to hang up so I can drive.’

 ‘Alright. I’ll surprise you.’

 ‘If you put honey anywhere near me I’m leaving.’

 Sehun hangs up, laying his phone on the counter. The fridge starts to beep from being left open for too long. Sehun shrugs and grabs an avocado, closing the fridge behind himself. He puts bread in the toaster and places a pan on the stove, drizzling oil in it. After cracking two eggs in the pan once it’s hot enough, he cuts the avocado in half, taking the pit out and peeling it. This is a much better breakfast than the instant oatmeal he had, but then again, he’s more awake and alert now that he was before. He slices the avocado thinly and cleans the knife, then leans against the counter, tapping his fingernails against the marble while he waits for the bread to toast. He hopes that no one will come in before he’s finished, especially Baekhyun, because then he’ll end up making breakfast for the whole floor. Again.

 He’s taking the bread out of the toaster when his phone vibrates. This time, it’s a text.

  **Kim Jongin**

10.08

  _What’s the pin code for the door? I’m here~_

 Sehun smiles, typing out an answer including directions to the kitchen before assembling Jongin’s breakfast; he places the fried eggs on top of the bread and arranges the avocado slices on the plate, drizzling olive oil over it and sprinkling salt over everything. He pours steaming hot coffee from the pot into a mug, stirring sugar into it. After carrying the dishes over to the dining table, he sits down, sipping from a glass of water while scrolling through Twitter.

 A knock on the door makes his head snap up from a dog video and he puts his phone down, jumping up from the chair to open the door. Jongin is standing there, a sweet smile on his face, the one that makes his dimples visible that Sehun loves, dressed in jogging pants that compliment his long legs, and a bomber jacket over a T-shirt. There’s a damp patch down the front of the shirt, and Sehun swallows heavily.

 ‘Hey! Sorry that I didn’t change, it was out of my way…’ Jongin runs a hand through his hair, ruffling the sweaty locks lightly.

 ‘It’s okay.’ Sehun lets Jongin in and takes his bomber, hanging it over one of the chairs. ‘Where did you go running?’

 ‘I drove to the campus and ran there. The area where I live isn’t the best for running.’

 Sehun hums, gesturing to the table. Jongin sits down slowly, stretching his legs out. He winces suddenly, and a hand shoots down to his knee. Sehun frowns.

 ‘Are you okay?’

 ‘I’m fine.’, Jongin waves him off. ‘I got injured a while ago and now I have to get back in shape. That’s why I went to the tracks, because the ground is soft.’

 ‘Ah.’ Sehun leans against the kitchen counter. ‘You play sports?’

 Jongin chuckles. ‘Not really. I dance.’

 Sehun’s eyebrows lift. Interesting. ‘Oh. What kind of dancing do you do?’

 ‘I used to do ballet when I was younger, now I just… I joined the uni dance team. We mostly do cover dances.’

 ‘That’s cool. That you kept doing it for so long, I mean.’

 Jongin shrugs, sipping at his coffee. ‘What about you? Any hobbies?’

 ‘I actually used to dance too, but… I don’t know. My parents didn’t know about it, and it became harder for me to hide it, so I just stopped. I used to play volleyball in middle school, and I played the piano. I wasn’t good at either, my parents wanted me to do something.’

 ‘And were you good at dancing?’

 ‘I think I was okay? I don’t remember. It would be hard for me to pick it up again because I grew up, so I don’t know how my body works.’

 Jongin smiles softly, picking up his fork. ‘I’ll take you to the dance studio one day.’

 Sehun smiles too, although a little unsure. Jongin’s smile is infectious. ‘Okay.’

 ****

 It’s early December. The two of them are in the uni hairdressing studio, and Zitao is currently arguing over the phone about some hair dyes missing. Jongin wanted to get a haircut and get his hair dyed; Sehun suggested Zitao since it’s cheaper. Zitao doesn’t actually want any money in exchange, Sehun usually ends up buying him lunch or dinner. Zitao requested dinner this time too, and Jongin isn’t complaining.

 Sehun is seated in a leather armchair in front of one of the wash basins, head leaning back, eyes half-closed. It’s extremely uncomfortable, but they’ve just finished a work-out so Sehun is content with any kind of position where he doesn’t have to stand. They’ve agreed on going to the gym together since Sehun wants training advice and Jongin needs someone to do leg stretches with him for his knee. Getting fed up with Jongin’s complaining about his knee aching after work-outs, Sehun suggested investing in a knee brace. Jongin laughed it off at first, but reluctantly bought one at a professional sports store. Sehun ended up being the one more ashamed of their purchases there, with a whole set of new work-out clothes and shoes. He had to keep borrowing Jongin’s, and that was getting too hard for him to deal with.

 Turning his head to the side, Sehun watches Jongin with half-lidded eyes as he scrolls through his phone quietly. He’s sitting on a white salon chair, legs bent comfortably, the knee brace fastened over his sweats. The corners of Sehun’s lips curl up into a small, kittenish smile and he turns his head away, closing his eyes completely. He hears Zitao approach them as he hangs up the phone.

 ‘What would you like?’, he asks Jongin, too polite. Sehun smirks.

 ‘A trim, and shape my sideburns and hairline. Oh, and…’ Jongin pauses, uncertain. ‘Can I… would it be possible for me to go gray?’

 Sehun cracks an eye open in surprise. Jongin’s strawberry hair really suits him, but he’s had it for quite a long time. He probably wants a change. Sehun’s smile grows wider. He keeps noticing similarities between them.

 Zitao sucks in a breath. ‘Hm. It would, but I’m not sure if it’ll work out because of the reddish tone you already have. We’ll lift the shade and then see what we can do it.’

 ‘Alright, great.’ Jongin sounds too excited. He doesn’t know how long this is going to take.

 ‘And you, Sehunnie?’

 ‘Trim and undercut. And a wash. Please give me a head massage.’

 Zitao grins and ruffles Sehun’s hair. ‘Sure thing. Let me just bleach Jongin’s hair first.’

 Sehun hums. He catches Jongin staring at him, expression soft, a fondness in his eyes that makes Sehun’s heart beat faster in his ribcage. Jongin looks away at his phone, typing something before looking back up at Sehun, smiling. Sehun lifts an eyebrow, but Jongin just shakes his head. Sehun rolls his eyes. Is Jongin making notes about him? He pulls his phone out from his pocket and opens Line, typing a message to Jongin.

  _What are you doing? Are you making notes about me? ‘A list of things I can do to annoy Sehun’ or something?_

 Jongin smirks at his phone, shaking his head mockingly.

  _No, you asshole. Don’t be so nosy. I’ll let you see one day._

Sehun pouts at him, crossing his arms across his chest, feigning annoyance. Jongin shakes his head again with a quiet laugh, leaning back against his seat and putting his phone away before Zitao spreads the chair cloth over him and fastens it at the back of his neck. Sehun straightens his back because he’s getting this uncomfortable ache above his shoulder blades and his neck feels stiff; he shifts so that his head is just barely resting on the upper corner of the chair, almost hanging off. It’s not much better, but at least his head is laying on something soft. He watches as Zitao mixes the bleach in a plastic bowl with a brush, gloves already on his hands. His touch is gentle but efficient as he begins to coat the roots of Jongin’s hair with the mixture, careful not to get it on his scalp too much. He slowly works the bleach into all of Jongin’s hair; it’s an excruciating process, and by the end of it, Sehun is almost falling asleep. Zitao finishes with covering Jongin’s head with foil, and then sends him to sit under the heat lamp. Jongin occupies himself with his phone again while Zitao sets the timer and then turns his attention to Sehun.

 ‘Sehunnie, put some music on.’, Zitao says, voice quiet as he takes off the plastic gloves and throws them in the bin.

 ‘You’re asking now?’, Sehun chuckles, but connects his phone to the speaker, scrolling through his playlists. ‘I have Spotify Premium now. You’re so lucky.’

 ‘Cool. But don’t play sad songs again.’

 ‘But instrumental music is always sad.’

 Zitao whacks the back of Sehun’s head lightly. ‘There must be a playlist with movie soundtracks or something?’

 ‘Ghibli? Oh, what about Yiruma?’

 ‘That’s sad.’, Zitao sighs. ‘But okay, Yiruma, whatever.’

 Sehun beams and presses shuffle. Soft instrumental tones of ‘Kiss the Rain’ floods the room. The music makes Jongin raise his head, and he looks over at Sehun, smiling lightly. Sehun smiles back, and then leans his head back into the wash basin. Zitao turns the water on, wetting a part of Sehun’s hair.

 ‘Is the temperature okay?’

 ‘It’s always okay when you do it.’, Sehun murmurs, closing his eyes again.

 Zitao hums. ‘How was your day?’, he asks, switching to Chinese. Probably to talk about Jongin.

 ‘It was okay. I only had a seminar, and then Jongin and me went to the gym.’

 ‘You said ‘Jongin and me’. You put him before yourself.’ Sehun hears the smile in Zitao’s voice. ‘You’re so fucked.’

 Sehun clicks his tongue. ‘Shut up. You should be praising me for working out instead.’

 ‘That’s a part of you being fucked. You never _ever_ go to the gym. What has he done to convince you?’

 ‘Nothing. We… help each other out.’

 ‘Riiiight.’

 ‘Huang Zitao, I will slice your kneecaps in your sleep.’

 Zitao laughs. ‘Wow, that’s a new one. Anyways, tell me more. How’s it going with him?’ He begins to massage shampoo into Sehun’s scalp. It smells like coconut, and Sehun sinks deeper into his seat.

 ‘Nothing’s going on. We agreed to stay friends until the end of the year, and then take it further once we’re both sure we want this.’

 ‘You don’t sound happy about that.’, Zitao remarks, pressing his thumbs behind Sehun’s ears. Sehun sighs, both from bliss and from annoyance.

 ‘It’s getting harder to… keep my shit together. You know. Like, we agreed to no touching, but… I want to touch him. You’re right. I’m fucked.’

 Zitao sucks in a breath, digits massaging Sehun’s scalp in circles. ‘Do you want to hold hands with him? And kiss him?’

 ‘Yes. But it’s not just that. I just want to relax completely around him, but I can’t let my guard down. You know I’m a touchy person, but I don’t allow myself what I usually do because I’m afraid he’d chicken out or something.’

 ‘Did you tell him?’

 Sehun lets out a deep sigh. ‘Of course not. I want to take this really slow. He doesn’t know what I’m like, so he’d think I’m making a move on him or something.’

 ‘Communication is key, Sehunnie. If you don’t talk to him, nothing will change. It doesn’t matter if you’re friends or a couple, you should talk to him about your problems. And not annoy me about it.’

 Sehun huffs. ‘But that’s what you’re here for!’

 Zitao’s thumbs press too hard against his skull on a sensitive spot above Sehun’s neck and an unwanted moan escapes Sehun’s throat. His cheeks flame up in embarrassment because Jongin surely heard that over the music. He fumbles around, trying to hit Zitao, but fails, so instead, a string of profanities leave his mouth. The first thing Zitao’s taught him in Chinese.

 ‘Is that what you sound in bed?’, Zitao cackles. ‘Interesting.’

 ‘Shut the fuck up. I’m serious about your kneecaps. Maybe I’ll full on murder you.’

 ‘Play nice. I could make it so much worse.’

 ‘I hate you.’ Sehun sulks, hunching his shoulders, trying to sink further into the chair so that he’ll eventually disappear.

 I don’t think so.’, Zitao sings, washing the shampoo off. ‘Also, he hasn’t heard it. I checked.’

 Sehun is still pouting, silent when Zitao snips at the ends of his hair and shapes his hairline with a hair clipper, even when Zitao blow-dries his hair and sprays some hairspray onto it as he finishes the styling. Sehun then stalks off to sit in a corner, knees bent in front of him as a shield, trying to look occupied with his phone as he steals glances at Jongin’s freshly washed platinum hair, now being coated with grey hair dye. He can’t tear his eyes away when Jongin’s hair is dry and styled nicely, the dark silvery tone strangely complimenting his skin tone. Zitao mouths ‘you’re fucked’ when he catches Sehun staring at Jongin, lips parted in awe. Sehun flips him off and slams the door shut behind them for extra emphasis.

 ‘I didn’t know you spoke Chinese.’, Jongin later says when they’re in his car, driving towards Sehun’s dorm. ‘You’re so fluent.’

 Sehun shrugs. ‘My mother insisted I learned. Zitao and Yifan helped me a lot. And-‘

 Jongin raises an eyebrow in question. ‘And what?’

 Sehun shakes his head. ‘Never mind.’

 He doesn’t want to talk about his ex with Jongin, ever. He doesn’t want to talk about how although Zitao has helped him with his Chinese a lot, it was his ex who made him speak the language fluently, teaching him phrases in the darkness of their room as he rocked into him on hot summer evenings. Sehun turns away, staring out from the window, Jongin’s gaze burning the back of his head.

 ****

 It's the third day of their winter break. They're huddled together on the couch of Jongin's living room, sharing a blanket, trying to warm themselves up. The fireplace is lit, painting their skin with a soft orange tint. They've kind of given up on the no-touching rule; Jongin is sitting with his legs crossed, facing the fireplace, a book resting against the armrest, and Sehun is stretched across the rest of the couch, back slumped against Jongin's side, head resting in the space between Jongin's neck and shoulder, idly scrolling through his phone. They've just come back from a walk because Jongin insists they should go out every day even though it's freezing. 

 Sehun drops the hand holding his phone on his stomach and closes his eyes, enjoying the warmth from the fire and from Jongin's body against him. Jongin's parents are at home too, but they're keeping the noise to a minimum, chatting quietly in the kitchen. Sehun feels Jongin shift under him and hears him flip a page of his book.

 'What are you reading?', Sehun murmurs, eyes still closed as he moves around to get more comfortable.

 'Kafka on the Shore.', Jongin replies, and Sehun can hear the small smile in his voice. 'Kyungsoo hyung lent it to me. He said I should read more.'

 'Kyungsoo hyung?'

 'He's a member of the literary club. This is his final year.'

 Sehun hums, arching his back and sliding his body down. He ends up laying completely, with his legs bent and the blanket slipping off them, head resting on Jongin's thigh. He opens his eyes. Jongin is staring down at him, looking a bit lost, before his expression clears up and he's smiling softly again, reaching to brush some hair from Sehun's forehead. Sehun rests his folded hands on his stomach, eyes focusing on mapping the curve of Jongin's jaw as the other boy looks away, going back to his book.

 'What part are you at?', Sehun asks, voice merely a whisper so he doesn't disturb Jongin.

 'I just started a couple of days ago. I'm at where Kafka arrives at the library.'

 Sehun makes a noncommittal sound. 'I like Murakami's books. They're really interesting to read.'

 'Do you read a lot?'

 Sehun shrugs. 'Not as much as I used to. I was actually considering taking Creative Writing at first. I like poetry.'

 Jongin puts the book down and looks at Sehun again. 'Do you have a favourite poem?', he asks softly.

 ' _What is Darkening_ by Ra Hee-duk.', Sehun says after a moment. 'I like loads of poems, but this one is probably my favourite.'

 He watches as the look on Jongin's face grows fonder.

 'How does it go?', Jongin whispers. Sehun blinks and clears his throat. No one's ever asked him to recite a poem. He begins slowly, recalling the words that he's read over and over hundreds of times, staring into the fireplace.

 ' _When 5:44 becomes 5:45_

_as I lie in the room_

_when the sunlight which has shone on my body_

_as if it looks into a sad house_

_takes the warmth away all of a sudden,_

_when a poplar falls in the distance_

_and its bark begins to dry,_

_when the dried back of my hand can't be seen any more,_

_when a memory stops at 5:45_

_and darkness deepens no more_

_and nobody moves the fallen tree.'_

Sehun's voice is a quiet murmur, partially swallowed in the cracking of the fire and the music playing from the kitchen. But it doesn't matter, because he's reciting to only Jongin, and when his eyes fly up, the other boy is still watching him with the same expression from before. Jongin is focusing only on Sehun, as if he was the only thing in the world right now. Sehun keeps his gaze on Jongin as he finishes the poem.

 ' _My bones and skin which have endured such a long time_

_finally begin to feel pain._

_This evening, I'm rubbing my broken ribs alone_

_slow_

_slow_

_slowly...'_

The words fade out into emptiness as Sehun's voice becomes hoarse at the end. Old memories resurface in his mind, elicited by the grim expressions of the poem; his parents arguing over stupid things, his dad showing him constellations, his dad sneaking DVDs into his room, his mother's constant yelling, anti-anxiety pills, experiencing a panic attack for the first time, the stress ball he got from Jongdae-The warmth of Jongin's eyes snaps him back into reality, and he forces a small smile.

 The warmth of Jongin's eyes snaps him back into reality, and he forces a small smile. Jongin must've noticed that something is wrong because he lays a cautious hand on Sehun's side, fingers fitting into the nooks between Sehun's ribs.

 'What is it about?', Jongin asks. Trying to keep Sehun's mind away from bad thoughts.

 'The approach of death.'

 Jongin hums. 'Why is it your favourite?'

 Sehun plays with the hem of Jongin's sleeve. 'I like the imagery. And the idea of... death creeping up on you. You can't do anything to stop it or slow it down. You have to deal with it alone.'

 'Have you thought about death a lot?'

 Sehun pushes Jongin's sleeve up to expose his wrist, fingers delicately dancing across the skin, stretched against the protruding bones. 'I have had a fair amount of thoughts about death. But I think everyone has. You can’t avoid not thinking about it at one point in your life.’

 Jongin’s breath is warm against his skin as he pulls Sehun’s hand up, tracing the dips between Sehun’s fingers, the bumps of his knuckles. Sehun realizes then that he’s hopelessly in love with Kim Jongin, and that he can’t do anything about it, as he closes his eyes and turns his head to the side, skin tingling from Jongin’s touch. Jongin lays their hands on his thigh, next to Sehun’s head, the hold loose with their fingers tangled together, threatening to slip apart. They’re not just friends but they’re not yet lovers; they’re something in between, and Sehun is starting to lose his ability to see the difference between the two, with the lines being so blurred. They’re not a thing yet, officially, but Sehun feels like they’ve kind of been neglecting that rule. They don’t show PDA in public, yet they still sometimes get mistaken for a couple. It must be obvious from the way Jongin smiles at Sehun, and the way Sehun can’t tear his gaze away from Jongin when he’s not looking.

 ‘At what point in your life have you thought about it?’, Jongin asks, still keeping his voice down to a whisper. Sehun looks up at him again.

 ‘I haven’t thought about my own death. Just, death in general. Probably when my parents started fighting and then got divorced. That… started the panic attacks and anxiety and all this bullshit.’ Sehun sighs, and feels Jongin’s grip on his hand tighten. ‘That was a dark time for me. My mother insisted that I kept studying, I wasn’t allowed to go outside much, so I had loads of time to think.’

 Jongin gives a small sound in reply, thumb massaging Sehun’s hand in circles. ‘But you’ve never thought of suicide.’

 An abrupt laugh escapes Sehun’s throat. ‘No! I’ve never. It never got that bad.’ He smiles at the distressed look on Jongin’s face. ‘I’m fine now, Jongin. That happened a relatively long time ago. Yes, I still get panic attacks and I have hypersensitivity and I need to take anxiety medication, but these are just things that stuck with me and became a part of my life. I know how to deal with them.’

 Jongin is biting at his lower teeth, but he relaxes. ‘Are you… better now? Obviously your anxiety got worse after… you know-‘

 ‘I haven’t had a panic attack since that time we went to the beach. And before that, I haven’t had one in a really long time. But it’s not your fault. I haven’t been taking my meds properly.’ Sehun reaches up and pats Jongin’s cheek. ‘Stop frowning. I’m okay. You shouldn’t worry about me that much. I’m an adult, I can sort my own shit out. Eventually.’

 The dimple in Jongin’s cheek appears as he smiles, and Sehun can’t help but dip his finger in it. He laughs at Jongin’s startled look.

 ‘I’ve always wanted to do that.’

 Jongin shakes his head fondly, his eyes lingering on Sehun’s face for a moment before he picks up his book again. Sehun doesn’t ask Jongin if he’s ever thought about death. He doesn’t notice that Jongin’s parents are standing in the doorway, watching their interaction. He’s too preoccupied with watching Jongin read, and wishing for the year to be over soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah, so... yeah  
> I researched korean poems and i liked this one, Ra's other poems are also nice if you wanna read them  
> I've got the next chapter started and planned now, but idk when i'll complete it because christmas break is ending TT  
> if you liked this pls leave kudos or a comment  
> my tumblr is dansaeg-hwa if you wanna talk to me :)  
> until next time~~


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY  
> IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO UPDATE THIS  
> I was busy with Sherlock, and school, and k-dramas, and a million other fic ideas that I had to stop myself from writing in favour of finishing this  
> dedicated to Suzy because thanks for your comments and thanks for becoming my friend, I love you, bitch  
> So ye  
> here is it  
> this is probably to longest chapter yet so buckle your seatbelts

 

Jongdae hosts a Christmas party on the 24th. With Sehun insisting to the point of warning Jongdae with various death threats, only a few people are invited. In other words, Sehun knows everyone at the party. For once. Him and Jongin are the first one to arrive, dressed in coincidentally matching outfits – ripped jeans and sweaters, hair styled a similar way, eyes lined with black (courtesy of Sehun), bottles of wine in their hands as they let themselves in. Jongdae winks suggestively at Sehun, and Sehun kicks him on the shin, hard. They settle themselves on the couch, their sides pressed against each other, and Sehun keeps tugging at the collar of his sweater.

 

‘Pre-drinks!’, Jongdae yells, storming into the living room with the wine the two of them brought. ‘You assholes came too early, this is what you get.’

 

Sehun nudges Jongin's side with a snicker. 'Come on, let's run.'

 

Jongin giggles, moving to get up from the couch. Sehun pulls him back by his arm, and Jongin slumps back next to him, almost lying on top of him. Jongdae shakes his head at them.

 

'Are you drunk already? And you only brought wine... you couldn't have brought something stronger?'

 

'We figured you had enough of that. You know I'm a lightweight.'

 

Jongin nods. 'And I'm the designated driver so no drinks for me.'

 

'So you're both not drinking?'

 

They shake their heads. Jongdae throws his hands up in the air, frustrated. 'I can't believe this. You're no fun.'

 

'We'll have wine or beer or whatever, but no shots-‘

 

‘I want shots!’, Sehun interrupts, raising his hand excitedly. He frowns at the pointed look on Jongin’s face. ‘Only a couple.’

 

 ‘You’ll stop after two.’

 

 ‘Four.’

 

 Jongin sighs, crossing his arms. ‘Deal.’

 

 They sip at the wine that Jongdae has generously poured into glasses for them, making small talk while they wait for the rest to arrive. Sehun is practically stuck to Jongin’s side; even if the distance between them, or lack thereof, makes him a bit uncomfortable and warm, separating would be even worse. So he sits buried in the soft sofa, pressed against Jongin, toying with the ring in his ear absentmindedly. Jongdae is spread on the carpet in front of the sofa, looking very comfortable down there despite the probable failure of the floor to act as a sofa/ bed replacement. Sehun is getting increasingly more uncomfortable at Jongin’s side, not really listening to their conversation, leg shaking anxiously. Jongin lays a warm hand on his knee to still it, and Sehun sighs, crossing his legs. 

 

 The rest arrive all together. It kind of looks like they've been already drinking; Baekhyun is hanging on Chanyeol's neck, Minseok trailing behind them with an armful of beer cans, Zitao and Yixing close behind, engaged in a heated conversation about Chinese food. Sehun chuckles and gets up to hug Zitao and bump fists with Chanyeol.

 

 'Where's Kyungsoo hyung?', he asks, helping Minseok with the beer.

 

 'He has a meeting with his literature club or some shit.', Baekhyun slurs, collapsing into the sofa.

 

 Sehun sighs. 'You know that's his excuse for not going, right?'

 

 Baekhyun gasps. 'And Junmyeon-hyung is sick. Did he lie too?'

 

 'That's actually true.', Yixing pipes up. 'He has a cold.'

 

 'Right!', Jongdae claps his hands together excitedly. Sehun's head snaps up. 'Let's not waste time and get drinking!'

 

 'Are there presents? This is a Christmas party, after all.', Chanyeol says.

 

 'Aw, you're so cute.', Jongdae reaches over to pinch Chanyeol's cheeks. 'This is for you.' He hands Chanyeol a shot glass. 

 

 'Merry Christmas.'

 

 Chanyeol frowns, but downs the shot nonetheless. Sehun stiffles a laugh. 'I actually have gifts for you guys. But I didn't bring them today.'

 

 Zitao waves his hand. 'Blame his weird family traditions.'

 

 Sehun pouts. 'I brought wine, fuck off. You didn't bring anything.'

 

 He assumes his previous spot next to Jongin, who's on his phone. Sehun bumps his knee against Jongin's, smiling at him when he looks up.

 

 'Sorry for neglecting you.'

 

 'It's okay.' Jongin puts his phone away and turns his body slightly so that he's facing Sehun fully, and Sehun preens under the attention. 'Did you say you have presents? Do I get one?', he asks teasingly.

 

 'Who's the materialistic asshole now?', Sehun mutters. Jongin kicks him in the shin lightly. 'Yes, you do get something. Idiot. Yours was the first gift I bought.' He raps his knuckles against the crown of Jongin's head.

 

 Jongin frowns, rubbing the abused area. 'I don't know if that means that you put a lot of thought into it or none at all.'

 

 'I did! I took me a long time to decide. I hope you like it.', Sehun smiles. 'I still need to wrap it.'

 

 Jongin clicks his tongue. 'It's Christmas Eve today.'

 

 'So? It's not like I have to give it to you today. Or tomorrow. Actually, I'll give it to you tomorrow. After I wrap it.'

 

 'Alright.' Chuckling, Jongin leans back into the sofa. 'I've got yours all ready.'

 

 Sehun's eyebrows lift in surprise. 'You got me something?'

 

 Jongin's face transforms into a frown again. It's kind of funny watching his expressions change so quickly. 'Of course I do! You got something for me too.'

 

 'I know, but you didn't know that. And we haven't known each other for _that_  long...' Sehun trails off. His purchase of Jongin's gift was impulsive, to reinforce their friendship, he supposes.

 

 'Again, you got me a gift too.'

 

 'But that's just because of who I am as a person.', Sehun says, voice dropping to a murmur as the room is filled with voices. It sounds like everyone else got drunk already. Or at least tipsy. 'I like making people happy.'

 

 The look Jongin gives him is weird. It's a mixture of so many emotions that Sehun can't make out any of them. Then Jongin is laying a hand on the side of Sehun's head before Sehun can stop him because to get his hair like that took him ages. But Jongin's thumb is massaging his scalp, and he can't think about anything else.

 

 'You're so confusing.', Jongin says quietly. 'You're the biggest introvert who goes outside to stare at the stars instead of partying. You don't like yourself and don't believe anyone when they complement you. You love your friends more than your family because your childhood was shitty and fucked you up, everyone literally wants to adopt you, and instead of indulging in that care you're still so selfless and you... like making people happy.'

 

 Sehun blinks, suddenly shying away from Jongin's touch. He has told Jongin about his childhood, but only briefly, during one of the nights when he couldn't sleep and Jongin stayed on the phone with him until morning. He himself said that he's fucked up, to which Jongin responded with one of his frowns that appears on his face every time Sehun says something negative about himself. Right now, he's just using Sehun's words. Jongin is very observant and good at reading people, Sehun must admit.

 

 'It's... the only thing I have left. As difficult and much of an effort as it is, being nice pays off. I spent a lot of time being extremely anti-social and wishing that everyone would just leave me alone, but I realised that that wasn't really beneficial for both me and other people.' Sehun mirrors Jongin's position and sinks into the sofa. 'Just accept the gift, Jongin, it'll make you happy and that will make me happy too.'

 

 Jongin gives a tiny smile and withdraws his hand. Sehun misses the touch immediately. 'You were surprised that I got you something too.'

 

 'I don't care for things like that. I know that it's a sign of affection, but... I don't need to receive a gift in order to feel loved.'

 

 'See? So selfless. You're so lovely.'

 

 Sehun feels his neck and cheeks warm up and he just gives Jongin a smile, hand shooting up to play with his earring again. Jongin is still staring at him, and maybe it's the atmosphere or the conversation they just had, but Sehun really wants to kiss Jongin, but they also have 7 more days to go until he can.

 

 'Hey, lovebirds!'

 

 Jongdae's voice interrupts the comfortable silence and Sehun rolls his eyes, turning away from Jongin and missing the grin on the other's face. Jongdae saunters up to them, a shot glass in each hand. 

 

 'Here's your Christmas gifts!', he exclaims, his trademark grin plastered on his face as he hands the drinks to them. Sehun reaches for his excitedly.

 

 'Ah, take one for me, Sehun-ah. I'm driving, remember? I'm responsible for getting your ass home.' Jongin gestures at his glass and Sehun takes it into his other hand, blood rushing in his ears because of the nickname. 'Merry Christmas.'

 

 'Thank you~.' Sehun grins and clinks one of the glasses against Jongdae’s before tilting it back into his mouth, stifling a wince at the horrible, horrible taste. He drinks the second one too, and his eyes almost water, throat burning.

 

 ‘You like that? It’s vanilla vodka.’, Jongdae says, collecting the glasses.

 

 ‘It tastes like ass.’, Sehun grumbles, moving his tongue around and rubbing it against the roof of his mouth. ‘And I don’t mean that in a good way.’

 

 ‘Ew! Sehun!’ Jongdae pushes at Sehun’s shoulder, and Sehun laughs.

 

 ‘Can I have some water?’

 

 ‘Sorry, we don’t have that.’

 

 Sehun rolls his eyes. ‘The wine I brought then. I can’t believe I have to drink another two shots of that.’

 

 Jongin is laughing at him, but he’s rubbing his back comfortingly when Sehun starts coughing after Jongdae leaves. ‘Was it that bad?’

 

 ‘Yeah, I don’t get the vanilla part. Where did the vanilla go?’

 

 ‘Who’s up for some Never Have I Ever?’, Baekhyun shouts from his spot on a beanbag.

 

Sehun sighs. ‘This is going to be a long night.’

 

 

 Seoul looks pretty during Christmas. They don’t take the decorations down until the first week of January. There’s no reason for not taking pictures of the banners and lights that are hanged on the streets. But maybe there’s a reason to be annoyed at Sehun because he’s stopping every two minutes to snap a picture. Bless Jongin for stopping with him.

 

 It’s the evening New Year’s Eve, and the two of them, along with Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Zitao, are roaming the streets of Itaewon, waiting for the fireworks while they try to eat all the street food there is. They’re all wrapped up in scarves and can barely move under multiple layers of clothing, because it is, quote Baekhyun, ‘Fucking freezing’, unquote. This is the coldest winter they’ve had, to be fair. Sehun can’t feel his fingers, even through his gloves. They are a gift from Jongin, or a part of the gift, because Jongin was shocked at the idea of Sehun not owning any gloves. They’re black with little white cat ears embroidered in them and the touch screen fibre in the tips of the fingers. Sehun has been wearing them every day since he got them.

 

 The more important part of the gift was the fucking _Cartier bracelet_. White gold with diamonds, and the word ‘love’ engraved on the tiny oval ornament. Sehun knows that that’s because it’s from the Love Bracelet collection, but still _holy fucking shit_ it’s a _Cartier bracelet_ that says _love_ on it. This is surely the most expensive and most thoughtful gift that Sehun has ever received. Jongin’s reasoning was that he thought it would look nice on Sehun and that someone told him that Sehun likes Cartier jewellery. To put it simply, Sehun nearly blacked out when he opened the little flat box. And then he nearly cried. Very nearly. Jongin gave him the gifts separately; the gloves when they were leaving Jongdae’s party, and the bracelet the next day. After Sehun had sort of collected himself upon seeing the gift, Jongin raised his arm to show an identical bracelet wrapped around his wrist, but in yellow gold. And Sehun nearly cried again.

 

 He felt really bad when he handed Jongin the box with dancing shoes he bought. The prices between the two gifts were drastically different, and Sehun almost cried a third time, this time from sorrow rather than happiness, while thinking about it. Jongin seemed overjoyed and his excitement did seem genuine when he hugged Sehun tightly and whispered endless thanks, but Sehun still felt guilty for days after. His solution was to pay for _everything_ today. And knowing that Jongin would most likely disagree, Sehun misplaced the other’s wallet and only shrugged innocently when Jongin asked him about its whereabouts. It sure won’t add up to the price of the bracelet, but it’s the thought that counts.

 

 So Jongin is currently finishing his bubble tea, a red bean taiyaki in his other hand that they’re sharing because Sehun can’t carry anything because… everything is so pretty. And he’s taken more pictures of Jongin than he’d like to admit. He feels the weight of the bracelet on his wrist underneath the sleeve of his parka as he lifts his hand up to snap a picture of a food stall. Jongin turns around and waits for Sehun once again, sipping at the bubble tea while he watches Sehun adjust the filters. The other three are walking slowly ahead of them, talking so loudly that Sehun would be able to find them anywhere. They gave up on being annoyed at Sehun about half an hour ago. Or, after the first twenty pictures. Good thing Sehun put a new SD card in his phone.

 

 Sehun puts his phone away after he’s satisfied with the picture, and trots back to Jongin, grabbing the other’s arm and raising it to take a bite of the taiyaki.

 

 ‘I shouldn’t have brought you to that photography lecture.’, Jongin murmurs, but there’s the ever-present smile on his face that Sehun loves.

 

 Sehun just smiles back and links their arms, leading Jongin to catch up to the trio.

 

 ‘What’s up with you today? So much positive energy.’ Jongin nudges his shoulder against Sehun’s, and Sehun averts his eyes to the ground. He can’t get the smile off his face.

 

 ‘I don’t know.’, Sehun says, shrugging. His hand comes to rest in the crook of Jongin’s elbow. ‘I’m just happy.’

 

 ‘I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.’, Jongin replies. His dimples are showing. ‘Is it because today is the last day?’

 

 ‘The last day? Of wh- _Oh.’_

 

 To be honest, Sehun has completely forgotten about their deal. That they would progress their relationship on New Year’s. He’s been so immersed in spending time with Jongin and simply enjoying their time together, and it felt like they’ve known each other for years. He guesses that was kind of the point of the whole deal.

 

 ‘You forgot?’, Jongin laughs, leaning forward to look at Sehun’s face.

 

 ‘I did. I forgot. I… it didn’t even feel like time went by that fast. I love being with you. I’ve never been happier in my life.’

 

 Jongin’s smile softens, and he pulls his hand out of his pocket to intertwine their gloved fingers together. Sehun feels warm despite the biting cold.

 

 ‘Do you wish you had more time? Do you want us to stay at this stage?’

 

 Sehun’s face falls. ‘Do _you_ want to? Are you regretting it? Do you want us to just stay friends? Because honestly, Jongin, I can’t take another day of this.’

 

 Jongin squeezes his fingers. ‘Of what?’

 

 ‘Of… pretending. Like I’m content with what I can do. Like I’m not thinking about touching you or kissing you whenever I’m with you and whenever I’m not.’

 

 ‘I don’t regret it. I don’t want us to stay friends. It’s the same for me.’ Jongin checks his watch. ‘Two hours and forty-three minutes until midnight. Then you can kiss me.’

 

 Sehun lights up again, bringing their hands until the pocket of his parka. ‘Looking forward to it.’

 

 Jongin clicks his tongue but laughs, bringing the plastic cup up and biting the straw. ‘Me too.’

 

 Sehun hides a smile behind his scarf. They reach the others; Chanyeol and Baekhyun are swinging their joined hands between them and Zitao is miraculously managing to text and not bump into anyone. Sehun pulls Zitao back by the collar of his coat so he’s on Sehun’s other side, and links arms with him. Zitao pockets his phone, turning his head.

 

 ‘What kind of weird threesome is it.’, he mutters, and Sehun would normally kick him or call him a dick, but he just laughs, turning to Jongin to have another bite of the taiyaki.

 

 ‘My hands are occupied.’, he complains when Jongin rolls his eyes but obediently brings the food to Sehun’s face.

 

 ‘Isn’t it funny how everyone in our friendship group is gay?’, Chanyeol pipes from in front of them, eyes roaming over the decorations and food stalls.

 

 ‘Kyungsoo-hyung isn’t gay.’, Zitao points out.

 

 ‘But he’s not straight. You’re missing the point.’

 

 ‘He’s married to his books.’, Sehun says. ‘It’s a polyamory relationship.’

 

 Walking around gets exhausting soon, so they sit at a pojangmacha and order some chicken skewers and dumplings. Baekhyun demands soju, but they agreed that if they _were_ to drink, it would be after midnight. Even though they’re sitting inside the tent next to a heater, it’s still cold, so Sehun wanders off to buy some mulled wine while the others are arguing over what dumplings to get. Carrying five hot Styrofoam cups seems a bit unrealistic, but Sehun is about to attempt it anyway before he turns around to see Zitao approaching him.

 

 ‘You want help?’

 

 Sehun hands him two of the cups, but Zitao makes no move to return to their table, instead watching Jongin laughing at something Chanyeol said.

 

 ‘He fits in well, doesn’t he?’, Sehun says, beaming.

 

 Zitao hums. ‘He’s good to you. He doesn’t seem like an asshole. You still have two hours or so to change your time… but you’re already kind of dating, so…’

 

 Sehun clicks his tongue. ‘What, are you jealous because I spend more time with him than you?’

 

 Zitao shakes his head. ‘No. I’m very happy for you.’

 

 Sehun’s smile softens, and he pulls Zitao in for a half-hug, conscious of the cups he’s carrying. He turns to see Jongin watching them when he pulls away, the fond expression on his face melting into a grin as Chanyeol tells another joke. Sehun tilts his head towards the table and Zitao nods; the begin walking back to their seats, slowly to not spill any of the mulled wine.

 

 ‘This is the alcoholic one, right?’, Zitao asks.

 

 Sehun laughs. ‘Why, you need a drink?’

 

 ‘Because of all the fucking couples everywhere, yes. You people disgust me.’, Zitao grumbles. Sehun nudges his side with an elbow.

 

 ‘You could’ve asked Yifan to come along.’

 

 ‘He’s in China.’

 

 Sehun pouts. ‘Sorry.’

 

 Zitao returns the nudge with a smile. ‘I’m fine with third wheeling. I’ll call him tomorrow.’

 

 ‘Alright. Tell him we all miss him.’

 

 Sehun slides onto the bench next to Jongin, handing him a cup. Their thighs brush, and Jongin gives Sehun a soft smile. Sehun takes a drink and jerks his head away when he burns his tongue. Jongin frowns and take Sehun’s cup, blowing on the mulled wine. Sehun ducks his head with a bashful smile, their arms pressing together. Zitao, who’s sitting next to Sehun, rolls his eyes, nudging at Sehun’s knee with his own.

 

 ‘What?’, Sehun asks, in Chinese, stealing glances at Jongin who’s still cooling his drink.

 

 ‘You’re still supposed to be friends.’, Zitao replies, reaching for a chicken skewer.

 

 Sehun sighs. ‘I think that we crossed the boundaries of a friendship long ago.’

 

 Zitao flicks Sehun’s forehead. ‘You’re so impatient. It’s kind of cute.’

 

 ‘Shut up.’

 

 ‘You haven’t even known each other for that long. What’s the hurry?’

 

 Sehun shrugs and takes the drink that Jongin is offering him, the steam warming up his face as he takes a sip. ‘I don’t know. We just… clicked. I’m comfortable when I’m with him. We know a lot about each other, and we’ve also been intimate… there’s no reason to wait. I feel like I’ve waited long enough.’

 

 Zitao smiles. ‘Aah. Young love.’

 

 Sehun kicks him in the calf, but links arms with Zitao, drinking his mulled wine.

 

  ‘Thank you for finishing your Secret Conversation.’, Chanyeol says, giving Sehun a mock-frown. ‘You don’t have to show off, you know.’

 

 ‘Who knows, maybe he’s just pretending to know Chinese and Tao is pretending to understand him.’, Baekhyun snickers.

 ‘Hey, leave him alone.’, Jongin cuts in, still smiling. ‘I’m actually very impressed.’

 

 ‘Well, you’re the only one.’, Chanyeol mutters. ‘Don’t you feel like he’s talking about you? Cause I do. Are you gossiping about me?’

 

 Sehun rolls his eyes. ‘Why would I, hyung? I’d just call you out.’

 

 Baekhyun chokes on his drink as he laughs. ‘That’s so true!’

 

 ‘Okay kids, finish your food. The fireworks are starting in half an hour, I want to find a good spot.’, Zitao interrupts.

 

 Chanyeol scowls. ‘You’re not even the oldest here, shut up.’

 

 Sehun scrunches his Styrofoam cup loudly to support Zitao’s point, throwing it away along with the empty paper plates. He feels extremely giddy when he stands up, latching onto Jongin’s arm. In half an hour, they’ll be able to kiss.

 

 ‘Oh my God, look at him. Doesn’t your face hurt?’, Baekhyun says, also getting up. Sehun just keeps grinning, and Jongin’s smile widens too, touching Sehun’s heel with the tip of his shoe.

 

 They finally return to the main street in their previous formation; Chanyeol and Baekhyun in the front, Sehun and Jongin behind them, and Zitao kind of floating in between. They make it to the park by the Han river, a big, open area with grass, lined with trees and cycling paths. It’s filled with people already, so they worm through the crowd, holding onto each other’s hands like children so they don’t get lost. Chanyeol, being the tallest, spots an unoccupied patch of grass and leads them there. Sehun sits down and pulls Jongin with him. Zitao slumps against him, and the other two remain standing behind them, huddled together. They take group pictures while waiting, from all angles and with all kinds of filters. Sehun checks his phone as he turns away from watching Baekhyun and Chanyeol taking selfies. It’s 23:56. Suddenly Sehun feels uneasy, stomach in knots with nervousness and anticipation. He bites his bottom lip, tuning the others out. He has four minutes to make his final decision. Although he’s decided a long time ago that he wants to keep Jongin, he supposes he feels a bit nervous about making it official. He’s so, so excited to be able to unashamedly touch or kiss Jongin however he likes, but right now, his throat is closing up with anxiety, fingers ice cold in his gloves. His leg starts shaking, and he breathes out deeply.

 

 ‘Are you okay?’, Zitao whispers in Chinese.

 

 ‘I’m suddenly feeling very nervous. I have… three minutes.’, Sehun whispers back. ‘Shit. I think… what if I have a panic attack?’

 

 Zitao’s hand is firm on his knee. ‘You won’t. Jongin is over there, probably feeling as nervous as you are. There’s nothing that can go wrong, Sehunnie.’

 

 Sehun nods, checking his phone again. The 7 turns to an 8, and he grits his teeth. He gives Zitao a small smile and then turns to Jongin, who’s silently staring up at the stars. He finds Jongin’s hand and touches it hesitantly. Jongin turns his head, features melting into that wonderful smile, and intertwines their fingers.

 

 ‘How are you feeling?’, he asks in a low voice.

 

 ‘Like I’m about to throw up.’, Sehun replies weakly. He can’t look away from Jongin’s face.

 

 Jongin squeezes his hand. ‘It’s nerve-wracking, isn’t it? Everything will be okay.’

 

 He looks like he’s looking for more words to comfort Sehun, but it’s enough, so Sehun nods, lips curling into an uneasy smile. He’s relaxing.

 

 It’s when the crowd starts counting down that his insides clench tightly again. He feels hot, then cold, very nerve in his body ready to snap, blood rushing in his ears to the point where he can’t hear anything. He tilts his head back to see Chanyeol and Baekhyun mouthing the words.

 

 Eight.

 

 Seven.

 

 He turns back to Jongin, who lays both hands on Sehun’s shoulders, thumbs rubbing the thick material of his parka comfortingly. He mouths ‘okay?’, and Sehun tries to respond, but it’s as if his tongue was coated in lead and his body was frozen. He can’t move an inch, staring into the consuming darkness of Jongin’ eyes.

 

 Five.

 

 Memories of all the time he’s spent with Jongin flash in his mind. All vivid and bright. The part where he thought Jongin had slept with him as a joke is missing. And Sehun realises that in these roughly five months, he’s never been happier. He’s never felt more love and contentment with himself.

 

 Three.

 

 His eyes water, and he’s surprised when he feels a tear roll down his cheek. Jongin is frowning and wiping the tear away, but Sehun shakes his head. He’s never cried with happiness, and it’s very confusing, because he’s always associated crying with being sad.

 

 Two.

 

 Sehun finds himself crying harder, shaking, his grip on Jongin’s arms painfully tight. He can finally get over that dark time of his life, and welcome genuine love and security from Jongin. He can be himself, and be comfortable with himself, and receive affection that he knows is genuine from the way Jongin’s eyes light up whenever he sees Sehun.

 

 One.

 

 His heart is threatening to burst out of his chest, and Sehun feels like he’s going to slip into cardiac arrest soon. But Jongin’s hold on him is strong, both physical and emotional. Jongin is nodding at him gently, and he starts to lean forward. Sehun still can’t get his body to move, so he just lets his eyes slip closed, holding his breath.

 

 ‘Happy New Year!’, the crowd shouts. Zitao’s hand is still on Sehun’s knee, shaking his leg with excitement.

 

 But Sehun only pays attention to the warm press of lips against his. Jongin’s hand slips into his hair, gently tugging him closer, and Sehun’s palms slide up to wind his arms around Jongin’s neck, scooting closer so his legs end up hitched over Jongin’s thighs. Their noses bump together after they pull apart from air and then lean in for another kiss; it’s hurried, desperate, like they’re kissing for the first time. Sehun’s mind is completely blank; he only feels Jongin’s lips on his, Jongin’s hands in his hair and running down his back, the hard muscle of Jongin’s thighs digging into his legs. They don’t kiss with tongue, just pressing their lips together over and over again; soft, loving touches. After they break apart for the final time, Sehun presses his nose against Jongin’s cheek, foreheads resting together as they sit wrapped in each other’s arms. He’s sure he’s squeezing Jongin hard enough that the other can’t breathe, but Jongin isn’t pulling away, stroking across the crown of Sehun’s head to his neck. He can hear the other’s cheering, his friends and also possibly some strangers standing around them, but he’s unable to break away, instead remaining cuddled against Jongin’s chest, feeling incredibly warm, dizzy and a little sleepy from all the anxiety and adrenalin that’s fading. Jongin presses a kiss against his ear, whispering something – Sehun can feel the movement of Jongin’s lips against his skin but can’t hear anything because of the white noise still buzzing in his ears. He shakes his head in an attempt to get rid of his, finally leaning away with Jongin’s arms still loosely wrapped around him. Jongin is smiling at him with red, shiny lips and a spark in his eyes, cheeks and nose red not necessarily from the cold. Sehun probably looks similar. He stares back, face blank and eyes wide. Jongin pinches his cheek.

 

 ‘How was that?’

 

 Sehun finally cracks a smile, and proceeds to kiss Jongin breathless.

 

 ‘They’re so cute.’, he hears Baekhyun murmur.

 

 ‘You mean disgusting.’, Zitao says bitterly.

 

**********************************************************************************

 

 ‘Pass the salt, Sehun.’

 

 ‘It’s within your reach, Father.’

 

 New Year’s dinner is about the worst time of Sehun’s year. His family has stopped doing Christmas dinners, but decided they should come together at least once a year. It’s January 2nd, and they’re all seated at the dining table; Sehun’s parents, his brother, and grandmother from his mother’s side. There’s instrumental music playing in the background, and Sehun is trying not to down his second glass of wine and also the entire bottle. Barely anything was said since the beginning but there’s already a steady throbbing at Sehun’s temple; the tense silence is almost worse than conversation. His grandmother is the person he is closest to, and he’s insanely glad that she’s sitting next to him, pushing more food into his plate as he eats it methodically, not really tasting the flavours.

 

 ‘How is university going?’, his brother asks, putting down his glass. He’s sitting at the foot of the table, next to Sehun.

 

 ‘Good.’, Sehun nods. One-word answers are best, and they wind his mother up.

 

 ‘You’re taking Chemistry, right?’, his brother continues.

 

 ‘Yes, only for this year. I might do it next year as well, it’s not as bad as I thought.’

 

 ‘Will you graduate from it?’

 

 Sehun shakes his head. ‘I don’t think so. I’ll stick with psychology. It’s enough writing one thesis.’

 

 His brother hums. ‘Psychology is good. Very flexible if you wanna get a job in that area.’

 

 ‘Yes.’

 

 ‘You could’ve become a businessman.’, his mother interrupts. ‘Like your father.’

 

 Sehun narrows his eyes. ‘My father is a paediatrician.’

 

 His mother slams her fork down. Sehun hides a smirk behind his hand as he chews. His step-father clears his throat. Sehun really wants to leave.

 

 ‘How are your friends, Sehun-ah? Do you still see that Chinese boy? He was lovely.’, his grandmother says, and the way the corners of her eyes crinkle when she smiles relaxes Sehun a bit.

 

 ‘Zitao? He’s fine. We went out for New Year’s Eve, actually. Saw the fireworks.’

 

 ‘Lovely. You should invite your friends over for dinner sometime.’

 

 Sehun smiles. ‘I have a lot of friends, grandma. You’ll have to be more specific.’

 

 ‘Well-‘

 

 ‘Have you found a girlfriend yet?’, his brother asks, tone rather harsh. Sehun sends him a glare as he drinks from his glass.

 

 ‘No.’, he says curtly. ‘But…’ Shooting a look to his mother, he puts his fork down and rubs his hands against his thighs.

 

 ‘Don’t you dare…’, she hisses, eyes wide and glistening.

 

 ‘… I have a boyfriend now.’

 

  _‘I have a boyfriend.’, sixteen-year old Sehun says, moving his food around on the plate while stealing a glance at his parents. His mother’s jaw is clenching, chest heaving with heavy breaths as she lifts a hand to her forehead. His father is silent too, but he gives Sehun a quick encouraging smile and a nod. Sehun’s brother is frowning at his plate._

_‘Stop.’, his mother says, quietly, looking at him through her hair that’s falling in her eyes. ‘Stop it. Stop pretending you’re something you’re not. It’s not_ normal _, Sehun. I don’t want a gay son. I’ve told you many times. Just get yourself a girlfriend.’_

_Sehun breathes in, leaning back into his chair. ‘Dad is okay with it.’_

_‘I don’t care. I’m not. Stop doing this to me!’_

_Something in Sehun snaps and he stands up, nearly knocking his glass over. ‘Do you think that I’m choosing this? To be gay? Do you think that it’s a choice? I can’t help who I love, mom. I wish that I could like girls just so that you’d stop hating me, but I can’t! I can’t do it.’ He breathes in, throat closing up, eyes burning. He’s only reciting the words he’s said so many times before, but it’s as if he was speaking another language, with the disbelieving look his mother is giving him._

_‘Calm down.’ His father lays a hand on his mother’s shoulder, and nods at Sehun to sit back down. He remains standing. ‘Leave him. He’ll grow out of it-‘_

_‘No, I won’t! Why can’t you listen?’ Sehun’s breathing is getting irregular with his rising temper. His brother still hasn’t said anything. ‘This isn’t anything I can just get rid of. I don’t like girls, I never have, and I never will. Is it so hard to understand?’_

_With these words he stalks to his room, slamming every door he can behind him; another family dinner ruined, his mother’s patience thinning._

His argument wasn’t very well-supported back then because Sehun didn’t really understand his sexual orientation very well; now he deals with these arguments in a calm and collected manner. He doesn’t let himself get angry or raise his voice. He just stares at his mother with the smirk never leaving his face, waiting for her reaction. His step-father stays quiet, and Sehun is glad for that.

 

 ‘Oh, how wonderful.’

 

 Bless his grandmother for having some common sense. He turns to face her with a softer smile.

 

 ‘But I thought you were still with that… other Chinese boy?’

 

 Sehun grits his teeth, shaking his head. ‘No, we… broke up.’

 

 His grandmother nods. ‘You do seem happier now. How long have you been together?’

 

 ‘Well, we became an official couple on New Year’s Eve, but we’ve known each other since September.’

 

 His grandmother lays a hand on his knee, and Sehun relaxes a bit. ‘What’s his name? Is he handsome?’

 

 ‘Kim Jongin. He is very… _too_ handsome. In fact, I can show you a picture…’

 

 Sehun reaches for his phone, unlocking it and browsing through his gallery. His chest feels lighter when he flips between the pictures of Jongin he took a couple of days ago. The boy is question is staring at something in the distance, his profile presented to Sehun perfectly lit by the Christmas lights. He enlarges the picture and shows it to his grandmother.

 

 ‘My gosh! So handsome... you’re very lucky, Sehun-ah.’, His grandmother coos, pinching Sehun’s cheek. Sehun batts her hand away, but he’s smiling. This definitely is the best New Year’s dinner in a while. There’s no screaming, and no screaming at him in particular. ‘Show your mother.’

 

 Sehun bites his lip, but angles the phone at his mother, who’s staring into her plate. She gives him a quick glance, then sighs and puts her cutlery across the plate.

 

 ‘Who wants dessert?’

 

**********************************************************************************

 

They’re walking home from their first date when it starts snowing. The temperature has dropped even more, which Sehun thought wasn’t possible, and he’s glad that he took his thickest coat with him. His insides warm up the most whenever he steals a glance at Jongin’s smiley face though. They’re holding hands, strolling through an empty street, illuminated by street lights and neon signs of bars. It’s late, around midnight, but Sehun insisted they go for a long walk after a nice dinner at a Japanese restaurant where they fought over the bill and ended up splitting it because Sehun still hasn’t got over the bracelet Jongin gave him, and Jongin wasn’t letting Sehun pay.

 

 They enter the campus grounds with their intentions clear, walking in the direction of Sehun’s dorm. His room is empty today, even without Sehun’s request, Baekhyun must’ve sensed something, because he’s spending the night at Chanyeol’s today. Sehun tugs Jongin through the main door, his laugh echoing through the corridor when Jongin trips over the threshold. He leads them up one flight of stairs, taking too long to find his keys with Jongin’s hand sneaking into his coat to touch his side. Finally, he unlocks the door, and they stumble inside, giggling and panting.

The door slams shut as Jongin leans against it, the sound echoing throughout the room and disrupting their unrhythmical breathing. Sehun leans forward, hands resting on his knees, gasping for breath while Jongin closes his eyes and drops his head back against the wood; hair dripping wet from the snow, clothes sticking to their bodies, skin-tight, hot and cold at the same time. The wind outside is loud, providing background noise and setting a cosy atmosphere.

 Once Sehun feels like he can breathe again, he straightens up, walking slowly to his bed, fingers curling around the hem of his hoodie, lifting it up slowly. He turns his head around to look at Jongin while he peels the hoodie off, muscles of his arms and shoulders flexing as he slips it over his head. Jongin is watching him with a small smirk on his face, intrigued. Sehun grins, easing down onto his bed and toeing off his shoes and socks. He sits there, thighs spread open comfortably, leaning his weight onto his arms. A sudden chill down his spine makes him shiver, goosebumps spreading across his bare arms and torso.  He watches with half-lidded eyes as Jongin slowly walks over to him, slicking his wet hair back, and coming to stand between his legs. Sehun reaches to turn the nightlamp on, enveloping the room in a comfortable, soft orange glow. The light reflects on Jongin’s skin nicely, highlighting the high points on his face and contrasting with the hollow dips of his dimples, of his collarbones.

 Jongin kneels, supporting his weight against Sehun’s knees as he makes himself comfortable on the ground, before sliding his hands up Sehun’s hips to his back, arms encircling his torso tightly. Sehun loops his forearms around Jongin’s neck, settling them on his shoulders, as Jongin leans his forehead against Sehun’s chest, hot breath against cold skin, and Sehun shivers again. He slides his fingers into Jongin’s hair, digits massaging the scalp gently, as they sit there in silence, resting, breathing together; only the two of them, content with each other’s presence.

 Jongin lifts his head, leaning back slightly, dark eyes dancing across Sehun’s face as if he can’t get enough of him. Sehun smiles softly, rubbing his hands on the sides of Jongin’s neck, one foot nudging against Jongin’s knee.

 ‘You’re pretty.’, Jongin whispers, fingers sliding against the soft skin stretched across Sehun’s spine. Sehun leans forward to rest his forehead against Jongin’s.

 ‘You’re not too bad yourself.’, he says back, hands moving to cup Jongin’s jaw.

 ‘I’m in love with you.’

 Sehun smiles, teeth and all, and Jongin smiles back, fingers sinking into the dimples in Sehun’s lower back. Their lips meet in a gentle kiss as Jongin leans up and Sehun tilts his head down. It’s only a small peck, barely any contact; Sehun goes slack, completely still as Jongin starts nipping at his bottom lip. A small moan escapes Sehun’s mouth when Jongin pries his mouth open and their tongues brush against each other. Jongin licks into Sehun’s mouth, grazing his canines, and then pulls away, only to nibble at Sehun’s bottom lip again, this time biting down harder. Sehun manages a muffled groan, and then he’s being pushed back and on top of the mattress by Jongin’s hands on his bare chest. Jongin climbs on top of him, knees on either side of his hips, smile turning into a smirk, messy wet hair falling into his eyes. Sehun reaches up, curling his hands around Jongin’s elbows and then sliding up toned arms and over strong shoulders. Jongin moves to take his shirt off, and Sehun glides his palms down the other’s front, fingers catching in the thin fabric as Jongin pulls it off over his head. After throwing the shirt on the floor, his mouth latches onto Sehun’s again, weight resting on his forearms that are framing Sehun’s head. Fingers tangle in Sehun’s hair, spreading it out onto the pillow, and Jongin pulls away to inspect Sehun’s face, before his lips find Sehun’s jaw, nibbling at his ear, trailing down the column of his pale throat, dipping into the hollow of his collarbones. Sehun gives small pleased sighs, body arching up against Jongin, fingers tracing Jongin’s biceps.

 Jongin sits back, a comfortable, warm weight against Sehun’s thighs, running a hand over Sehun’s stomach and down to his jeans. He begins unbuckling the belt, undoes the button and unzips the front. Sehun raises his hips and Jongin slides his jeans and underwear off in one go, down to his ankles, twisting around to take them off completely. Sehun lies underneath him, bare and exposed, completely pliant, watching Jongin with sleepy, half-lidded eyes. Jongin smiles at him sweetly, hand cupping his jaw gently. Sehun melts at the gesture and closes his eyes, showing full and absolute trust.

 ‘Don’t fall asleep! Are you tired?’

 Jongin’s voice is loud although he’s almost whispering. Sehun shakes his head, eyes opening again, forming slits. He does feel sleepy, extremely comfortable and warm, but not enough to fall asleep.

 ‘Do you want to do this?’

 Sehun chuckles. ‘I don’t know what ‘this’ means, exactly. I give consent.’

 ‘You’ll tell me to stop if you want me to.’

 ‘Yes.’

 Jongin hums, bending down to kiss Sehun one last time, scooting further down the bed. He continues his previous actions, attacking Sehun’s collarbones with butterfly kisses, nipping at them and then licking at the abused skin. He slowly moves down Sehun’s chest, stopping to circle his tongue around one of Sehun’s nipples. Sehun gasps as his nerves respond, arousal slowly flooding up his spine. Jongin takes the nipple between his teeth gently and Sehun’s body twists at the feeling. His legs unconsciously spread as Jongin licks a stripe down Sehun’s stomach, moving below his navel, mouth latching at the area where the thigh meets the body while thumbing at his hipbones. Warm hands travel down his hips and across his inner thighs, stopping at the sensitive spots behind his knees. Lips travel down to his adductor muscles, and Sehun inhales sharply when he feels warm breath over his half-hard dick, fingers finding Jongin’s hair when Jongin presses the flatness of his palm against him, stroking slowly until he’s fully hard. Then, Jongin’s tongue is licking up his length and Sehun’s hips snap up as his mouth falls open in a silent moan. Jongin takes Sehun in his mouth slowly, lips encircling the head of his cock, rubbing the rest with his hand in a slow and steady rhythm. His tongue dives into the slit and a low groan escapes Sehun’s throat as he writhes against the sheets from the overwhelming pleasure. Jongin lays a forearm against Sehun’s stomach to stop him from moving, muscles clenching under his hold. Jongin isn’t the best, his teeth accidentally grazing the head of Sehun’s cock, pausing ever so often to regain his breathing before going down on his again, but for a first try, it’s not bad at all.

 Sehun kicks his leg out when he feels Jongin press his tongue to the underside of his dick, accidentally kneeing Jongin in the face. Jongin pulls away, a stunned expression on his face, staring at Sehun with wide eyes while laying a hand on his jaw. Sehun falls back against the mattress in a fit of laughter.

 

 'Oh my God.', he says, breathless, voice pitched higher with glee. 'Oh my God, that's the funniest thing that's ever happened to me. Are you okay?'

 

 He sits up, leaning forward to cradle Jongin's face. Jongin bursts out laughing too, slapping at Sehun's arm half-heartedly.  

 

 'You dick! That hurt.'

 

 Sehun muffles his laughter in Jongin's neck as he hugs him, pulling him flush against his body. 

 

 'I'm really sorry. That wasn't on purpose. Oh my God, Jongin, I'm so sorry.'

 

 He's still laughing when Jongin pushes him back down against the mattress, but it eventually dies down and the smile disappears from his face when Jongin takes his previous position and squeezes the base of Sehun's dick.

 

 'Maybe I'll have to tie you up next time.'

 

 A violent shiver runs down Sehun's spine at Jongin's low voice. He watches as Jongin's face transforms into a smirk, running his nails over Sehun's inner thigh.

 

 'You'd like that, wouldn't you.'

 

 ‘What happened to the boy who didn’t know what do you with me in bed?’, Sehun asks lowly.

 

 Jongin shrugs. ‘I did my research.’

 

 Sehun smiles. ‘What kind of research have you been doing…’

 

 ‘Shush.’

 

 Jongin ducks his head and takes Sehun in his mouth again, lifting Sehun’s leg by the knee over his shoulder with his free hand that’s not busy holding him down. Sehun writhes in his hold, stomach contracting and breathing getting shallower with every swirl of Jongin’s tongue. He reaches down to tangle his fingers in Jongin’s hair, careful not to tug. He accidentally does when Jongin’s hand trails down his inner thigh and over his perineum, grazing his asshole with a nail.

 

 It doesn’t really take Sehun that long to reach his orgasm which may be a bit embarrassing, but then again, he hasn’t had any sex since his one-night stand with Jongin, so it’s justifiable that after a few more tugs at the base of his cock, a tongue licking at the slit, and one of Jongin’s fingers pushing into him, Sehun’s spine rises from the mattress in a pretty arch as he comes on his stomach after Jongin pulls his head away, stroking him through the orgasm. Sehun’s body trembles with pleasant, overwhelming aftershocks, skin hot and tinted pink. Jongin is smiling up at him, still half-lying between Sehun’s legs, his finger still inside Sehun, sliding in and out slowly, and Sehun realises that he’s still hard.

 

 ‘How was that?’

 

 ‘Not bad.’, Sehun says with a grin. ‘You did well. Maybe you could use a bit more practice.’

 

 ‘But I got you off quickly, didn’t I?’, Jongin trails the index finger of his other hand over Sehun’s hipbone.

 

 ‘Yes. But you didn’t get to…’

 

 ‘This isn’t the end.’, Jongin states with a deadpan expression. ‘Unless you’re too tired…’

 

 Sehun shakes his head. ‘I want to get you off too. And as you can see…’, he points at his dick. ‘I’m not… finished.’

 

 ‘Good.’, Jongin smirks, and then sits up properly, slipping out of Sehun to reach for a pillow. He nudges at Sehun’s side until Sehun lifts his hips, and Jongin slips the pillow underneath his back, moving Sehun back on the mattress until his head is nearly touching the wall.

 

 ‘You learn quickly.’, Sehun remarks, and Jongin hushes him with a soft kiss before he rises off the bed to take his jeans and underwear off.

 

 Sehun’s eyes map the expanse of Jongin’s body slowly. Jongin is everything that Sehun isn’t; skin tanned a lovely caramel shade where Sehun is pale, defined muscles from dancing practice where Sehun is flat, limbs bulkier where Sehun’s are smoother and longer. They go together well even though they’re opposites, and Sehun finds himself appreciating the differences between them instead of criticising his body.

 

 Jongin climbs on the bed again, knees coming to rest against the insides of Sehun’s thighs as he runs a hand down Sehun’s torso to his hip, avoiding his cock. A short breath leaves Sehun’s throat as his cock pulses against his stomach, incredibly turned despite his very recent orgasm.

 

 ‘Do you have lube? And condoms?’, Jongin asks quietly.

 

 Sehun reaches behind himself to stick his hand under the mattress, retrieving the wanted items and smiling at Jongin’s slightly scrutinizing look. Jongin sits back on his heel, uncapping the bottle of lube that Sehun hands his and pouring a little on his fingers. He lays a comforting hand on Sehun’s side as he reaches down with the other, the tip of his index finger entering Sehun again. Sehun breathes out when Jongin pushes in deeper, exploring, and then pulling out. Sehun nods at Jongin’s questioning look, and then Jongin is pushing a second finger inside. It stings a little and Sehun scrunches his nose at the uncomfortable pressure, relaxing again once his muscles get used to the width. Jongin’s other hand keeps stroking his hip comfortingly as his fingers move, sliding in and out a few times and then curling in an attempt to find Sehun’s prostate. Sehun can’t conceal his moan when Jongin does press his digits against the soft tissue, feeling his cock harden. He tries to resist the urge to touch himself.

 

 ‘Is that it?’, Jongin asks, eyes flitting up to meet Sehun’s, who can only wordlessly nod, too lost in the overwhelming pleasure.

 

 Jongin’s grip on Sehun’s side tightens as he adds a third finger, rubbing his prostate but careful not to overstimulate Sehun, retreating whenever Sehun’s breath hitches. He spreads his fingers, slowly stretching the tight ring of muscle, and Sehun lets air out between his teeth in a hiss at the sensation. His hands curl around Jongin’s elbow, head falling back against the pillow. He watches Jongin through heavy-lidded eyes, arousal seeping into his limbs and up his neck, body buzzing with restless energy and sleepy, pliant at the same time. The orange light from the night lamp illuminates the sweat clinging to their skin, the blue veins on their hands under paper-thin skin. Jongin’s smile is replaced by a look of concentration and focus as he works Sehun open, looking up to check Sehun’s reactions ever so often, the warm hand on Sehun’s side a comforting weight of reality.

 

 Once Sehun can’t feel the burning of his muscles anymore, he gently pulls Jongin’s hand away, meeting his gaze with a soft smile. Jongin leans down to give Sehun a quick kiss, and then he reaches for a condom, tearing the packet open with his teeth - which totally doesn’t make Sehun throb more – and stroking himself until he’s fully hard, rolling the latex on. Sehun sits up and opens the lube bottle, pouring some of it into his palm and warming it up before wrapping his fingers around Jongin’s cock, rubbing the lube on in slow, long strokes. Jongin bites his lip, enjoying the feeling for a bit before he pushes Sehun back down, climbing between Sehun’s legs. He grabs Sehun’s hips and tugs him a bit closer, the tip of his cock rubbing against Sehun’s ass and then he’s slowly pushing in.

 

 Slowly. It’s so tantalising that Sehun wraps his legs around Jongin’s waist, heels locking together, and pushes him towards himself. The force makes Jongin fall forward and he makes a surprised sound, balancing his weight on his hands, resting on either side of Sehun’s chest. Sehun winds his arms around Jongin’s neck and presses their foreheads together as Jongin starts thrusting slowly, breathing hot against each other’s skin. Sehun’s fingers clench in a fist, grabbing Jongin’s hair as the pace remains slow and gentle, loving and passionate. Tension leaves his body as he relaxes against the mattress, tilting his head forward to watch Jongin moving in and out of him, hips rolling in a languid rhythm. Jongin pushes in deeper, hitting Sehun’s prostate, and Sehun muffles his moan in the crook of Jongin’s neck, pushing his nose against the sweaty, smooth skin and inhaling the scent of laundry detergent, Aqua di Gio, freshly ground coffee and _Jongin_.

 

 Jongin’s arms wind up around Sehun’s back, gathering his torso up and lifting him off the bed slightly to press their fronts together as he quickens the pace slightly, finding a new angle that allows him to hit Sehun’s prostate with every push. Sehun claws at Jongin’s shoulders and upper back, nails digging into hard muscles. Jongin is cradling him against his chest as he breathes harshly against Sehun’s collarbones. They are wrapped up in each other, enveloped; two halves forming a whole, and there is more to it than just pure physical pleasure. There is also raw emotion, happiness and lust, desire and want, contentment, and love. Sehun is overwhelmed with the rush of these sensations as he stares at Jongin’s face, twisted with ecstasy but still so beautiful. But he finds himself wanting more; the pace too slow for him. This is love making that he’s never experienced, and he craves more urgency, more roughness.

 

 ‘Jongin.’, he whimpers, and Jongin lifts his head to look at him. ‘Go harder.’

 

 Jongin makes a questioning sound.

 

 ‘Go… faster. Harder. Please.’

 

 Jongin’s eyes darken, staring at Sehun for a moment, and then he’s pushing Sehun down with a hand splayed on his chest, grabbing Sehun’s knees and lifting his legs, ankles almost resting on Jongin’s shoulders. Sehun’s hand scrambles to grab the edge of the mattress when Jongin starts moving again, rhythm increasing methodically, as if they were making love to a song. Jongin is alternating the speed; the messy, irregular thrusting reduced to a lazy pace, driving Sehun crazy. Jongin’s thumbs are digging into the muscles of Sehun’s legs and Sehun can see that he took would rather keep up the fast tempo.

 

 ‘Go faster.’, Sehun prompts him again, voice small and lost in the noise of skin against skin.

 

 Jongin sucks in a breath and then he straightens his back, head hanging back while still keeping his gaze on Sehun as his hips snap forward and withdraw quickly. He pushes Sehun’s legs forward so he’s basically bending him in half, moving in an out of Sehun quicker upon request, timed rhythm dissolving into irregular, frantic thrusts. Both of them are getting closer; Sehun can feel the hot white arousal crawling up his spine, can see it from the way Jongin squeezes his eyes shut and tries to muffle his moans. The pace at which they’re going now is animalistic, chasing after pleasure and release. Sehun’s breathing transforms into breathy moans and gasps, tiny yeses and other words of encouragement. Jongin joins him but he’s much more articulate, whispering praise into the back of Sehun’s knee.

 

 Then, with one more well-aimed thrust, Sehun is coming untouched and hard, vision darkening and mind going blank as a drawn-out moan leaves his throat. Jongin follows him not long after, breath stuttering and hips moving erratically as he chases after his orgasm, letting go of Sehun’s legs and collapsing forward, arms forming a loose hold around Sehun’s shoulders.

 

 Sehun presses a soft kiss to Jongin’s earlobe, feeling Jongin pull out of him slowly and watching him slip off the condom and tying it up with a disgusted face. Sehun laughs, and Jongin turns to him after he’s thrown the condom away, reaching for Sehun’s hand and kissing his knuckles. He gets some tissues from the night stand and wipes them both down, reaching for the duvet and spreading it over the both of them, snuggling next to Sehun, who buries his face in the crook of Jongin’s neck, eyes slipping closed. They slip into the inviting comfort of unconsciousness, bodies touching from head to toe, content and so in love with each other.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmm  
> there's probably going to be one more chapter because... idk what to do with this and I kind of want to finish it  
> if you enjoyed this chapter, please leave kudos/ comments~  
> my [tumblr](http://dtagustd.tumblr.com/) and my [twitter](https://twitter.com/lizhythova) , come scream at me  
> bye for now~~


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